asylum_online | Mar. 5th, 2009

I've been here for a couple weeks now, but I haven't written anything as of yet.

I feel so guilty, especially when I hear about other people's lives. Some people have horrible lives, and have horrible things happen to them, and yet, here I am, being...whatever I am.

I'm not really sure what's going on with me. I'm really confused about it. I get these...well, dark moments. I'm not sure how else to explain them. It's like this dark cloud envelops me, and I can't get out even if I want to.

Sometimes I get really depressed, sometimes I get really sad, sometimes I go insane and have mini-mental breakdowns, and sometimes I get angry (though not as often that, because I hate getting angry, and I'm pretty good at turning my anger towards me, and then I usually get really sad).

It can be hard to deal with sometimes. I do something that I call "carving". It's like cutting, except you don't bleed, and it's a lot less painful. But I find that it helps me, especially when I have mini-mental breakdowns.

The hard thing about all of this though is that when I don't have this darkness, I feel like a zombie. I feel fake. I'm not myself. Over the past 2 1/2 years, this darkness has become so much a part of me that, if it went away, I wouldn't be me anymore.

I don't really know what to do about it. Even though it hurts a lot sometimes, I'm scared it will go away. I don't know what to do. Everything's so confusing.

all i know is that i need help. but whenever i'm around people i smile. i may not be or act all that happy but i still smile. and so nobody notices. I get massive headaches for no reason all of the time. And i just want to die. The really bad thing is that I think I may have an eating disorder. I have random mood swings where I'll go from depressed to estatic in a matter of seconds for absolutely no reason. my parents got me a therapist for my mood swings, but i don't know how to ask for help about my other issues. i mean, how the crap am i supposed to tell my parents that my mood swings aren't that big of a problem. I just want to stop feeling like this. I want to stop having to lie to myself and everybody else. so what am i supposed to do? I know I need help, but that's it.