Your Loving Monster

[xxxsectomars.livejournal.com]

To a Pretend Father,

I want to introduce you to someone you do not know. For the daughter you had died in 2003 when her mind shattered as easily as a sheet of glass, some shards bigger some smaller.

I have memories from when I was younger, I have memories from growing up and I have the horror memories of things a child should never have to bear. I will share them all with you in this letter, that you may never even see but was cathartic to write.( Loving Moster... )

Your Loving Monster,
Christy

.................

[her-disease.livejournal.com]

Part of me believes I'm not sick.Or that I'm exaggerating my disabilities to myself.I don't like labels as I believe them to be dangerous.But..I've been seeing shrinks since I was three.That's a fucking long time.Add in occupational therapy and eye therapy and play therapy..well you get the point.I was a neurotic and fearful child.My OCD was very debilitating.
Years later, another country, things got worse.My sister got sick too but not in the same way.She just stopped after a while. I know it wasn't easy, but she just let go and is fine now.College, friends etc.
At seventeen I lost touch with reality.Dropped out of school.It took a year to recover.I was put on an ant-psychotic and depressant.I was diagnosed with Schizotypal.I had been self harming for a while. I have control of it now.It's only a habit now and rare.
Now at 21 I'm getting re-diagnosed.There has been talk of Borderline and Bi-polar.

I have no idea why I'm writing this, tbh.Isolation makes you bored, I guess.My moods have calmed down this weak.Dropped out of college again.Trouble with immigration.I refuse to eat.

It's strange, I look at the lives of others.Friends of friends etc.I'm so jealous.Major social anxiety.I want to go out, but know I can't.My room is a safe haven.All I need is coffee and smokes.I need to get out of this shithole of a country.I need to let go.

Thanks for reading.
S.

DON'T JUDGE ME!!!

[dark-paradise2.livejournal.com]

I wondered if I just decided to go outside right now (which is 11p.m.) in a mini-skirt and the most trampy shirt I could find, would anyone want me. Would anyone bother to give me a second look (besides the cops).  Would I remained ignored by the oppsite sex. I know I shouldn't be obsessing over crap like this, but it just makes me feel like shit. I want to feel alive and I want to feel like I exist (and not like a human version of a computer which is only good for calculating). 

Maybe I want to feel violated. To have an orgasm in hopes of having a few seconds or minutes of happiness. Eating sweets does not fill the emptiness, neither does drinking, or crying, or planning my death. Maybe I want someone to exploit my body and find some ounce of happy emotion in it. Maybe I want someone to take control over me so I won't have to think anymore.