null and void

[bubblegumsleaze.livejournal.com]

One of my friends disappeared maybe a month ago. I met her here. She was having a really tough time the last time I talked to her. Not so much hanging in as hanging on. I got an email from her at the beginning of March, telling me she'd try to be more with it because she wanted to talk to me. She told me I helped her keep going. Then she disappeared. No email responses. No IM's. No other way to get in touch with her. I miss her, but that's not the point. I don't know where she is or if she's ok.
I habitually do this to people. I don't mean to, but for years I was in and out of hospitals and in and out of reality and in and out of apathy. I'd be around, then gone, then back, and they all learned not to worry. That if anything were REALLY wrong someone would tell them. If nobody did, they went about their business. In all honesty I don't think anyone much gave a damn because never did I come back from say...a three month inpatient stay...and find email from people asking whereI was. In fact the only mail I've ever had is from this girl who's gone now. I can say with great honesty that not one of the people who bitched me out when I got back ever tried to talk to me while I was gone. What's that say about me? About them? Doesn't matter.
What matters is I'm on the other end of that situation now and I'm selfish. I'm worried about her, and I miss her, and half of me wonders if it's a game or a test.
I wondered if it was this way that people felt when I disappeared, but they didn't look for me so I suppose not.
I wish she'd come back, even if it was just to tell me she's ok.

::sigh::

[sapphireroseivy.livejournal.com]

::Lonely::
::Exhausted from making the time schedule change::

::Wonders to self what would happen if she just quit talking to people for a bit and went into a little seclusion::

::re-thinks that::

Why do my delusions of abandonment get worse when I am tired?

I know perfectly well that I am loved and appreciated but sometimes . . . . like especially right now, my head will not SHUT UP and it wants to cause a panic attack.

Thank Goodness I only have 2 1/2 hours before I can snuggle in my bed and dream away this crap

So torn

[sadandangry.livejournal.com]

I am so torn. I am torn between two crushes that i love really much.
One is my teacher, and the other is my ex-therapist (Leslie).
I am falling for my teacher, but at the sametime still love my ex-therapist. I don't know what to do.

(no subject)

[iheartsantino.livejournal.com]

*shuffles down hallway*

i'm tired.

*shuffles some more*

so tired.

(no subject)

[iheartsantino.livejournal.com]

i'm adding a new group on my AIM dedicated solely to members of the asylum.
my sn is iwearthesescars
add me if you want. i may be fucked up but i am a great person to chat with.


anywho... not having such a great day. it could be tons worse, but it definately could be tons better. maybe its the rain, i don't even know anymore. whatever. i think i've given up trying to analyze shit.

hope everyone else is having a slightly more than ok day!
xoxo

Smug self-loathing

[krazyside.livejournal.com]

There comes a time in everyone's life when one realises the awful truth. That one sucks.

My name is Krazyside, and I suck.

I am lazy. I don't work (well except for occaisionally fixing someones PC) and never have. Nonetheless, I expect to just walk into a well-paid, professional type job with a car and >£17G. Why, you ask?

Because I am also greedy. I don't just want a humble normal low grade existance, I want to LIVE! even if my ambitions far outweigh my reach. Which brings me to...

I am promiscuous. I want to sleep with almost everyone I meet (well, apart from animals and children, obviously). I'd stick it in mud if I thought it would wriggle. This is just another aspect of my overwhelming, massive, oral greed, and my desperation for human contact. Because...

I am insecure. I am a great big bag of hangups. It could be said of me when I am "on one" that if a psychiatrist were to pop his head round the door they'd cancel all their appointments for the next century. That is, if I wasn't so...

Stingy. I have £500 in the bank, a hefty sum for a doley scumbag like me. Yet I still won't tip on principle, and resent paying more than £2.50 for a pint. Yet I am happy to let other people buy me drinks, this is because I am a...

Scrounger. I try not to cadge, but I rarely refuse the offer of free things. Also I am...

Self indulgent. I split up with someone, then talk about getting back together with them, then decide not to, then, months later want to get back with them again.

And so on, and so forth... Teh suckage just goes on and on. You know that song, "I'm With Stupid"? That should be dedicated to anyone who spent time with me.

Bleeeehhhh (drinks more beer)

And this is the worst thing about it: I LIKE MYSELF! I enjoy being this way, it's everyone else who has the problem. Why should I bust my ass working for the Man? so I can spend all my money on consumer junk? Why the fuck should I put up with the mental torture of heterosexual monogamy, female chauvinism, and hate that defines "relationships"? Why should I spend my money keeping up with pissheads like R______? They're the ones that want to spend their lives drinking, so fuck it!

And so I have coined the term "smug self-loathing" to describe what I am feeling right now. I know I'm going to be fucked, I know I'm gonna end up totally alone and broke, but as I've already been there and done that, the ultimate sanction our society reserves for nonconformists, why should I fear it? Fuck those guys. Fuck the clique.

Rantage

[confusedlunatic.livejournal.com]

Yesterday was crap. It was my best friend Hannah's birthday and I was thinking of making myself sick so I didn't have to go to the cinema with her and her friends and sister. Alas I go, Taking 5 mins to roughly brush my hair I go to her house and stand around an hour waiting for her and her sister Sam to get ready. FOR GOD SAKE! its only hair! Why spend an hour getting it straight and with one gust of wind the ruler straight hair is gone. So I wait. We get into town 20 mins late and meet up with Hannah's boyfriend. He's funny and alright, theyre both a bit mosher or whatever, wheras Sam is a complete slag. 
Sam's boyfriend turns up. Total chav. Then we wait an hour for someone else and her boyfriend, I can't remember their names, its unimportant.
We got into the cinemas 3 hours from when I left my house V.V Watching Mr Bean on Holiday, whatever it is. Everyone is sat on the back row next to their respective boyfriends, I'm in the row in front just trying not to look like I'm a saddo by not being a boyfriend.
We leave the cinema and there is a 10 min walk to the bus stop, okay. Half an hour later we arrive, we get on the bus and go back into town where the other 6 are going to get pissed. Yeah, theyre 15 and 16, but FFS! If I don't want to get drunk then I won't. Simple as. I just left and got the bus back home. I'm just so annoyed, I felt like I was a tag along and compared to everyone else dressed up I looked like a scrubber, but that is just how I am. I can imagine Sam and Hannah going home gossiping about how sad I look. I'm one of the oldest but I'm too 'scared' to get drunk an I don't smoke or dress up like a slag. I have a paranoia about what they're saying about me. I shouldn't care really, but I can't help myself. Now I think about it the only reason I am still friends with Hannah is so I have SOMETHING to say when people ask me who I go round with out of school. I can actually say a name without lying and FFS I am sick of lying. Lying that i've had a boyfriend. Lying that I have been drunk before. Why do i have to do it? I shouldn't but I do.

Then the same night my 'dad' Keith (Technically he isn't but he might as well be cause I dont see my real dad) gets half drunk and whenever he gets half drunk he goes all emotional and starts trying to get all deep with me. Telling me how he used to get bullied and beaten up, why do I care? He says I should get drunk for once, he wouldnt mind. He wants to see me drunk. That just makes me annoyed. Why the hell does he want to see me drunk why the hell should it matter? I dont mention I had a perfect opportunity to go and what he would call 'enjoy myself' with my 'friends'. Then he says I have something wrong with my personality. WOW! Its took him THIS LONG to figure it! He says I have an inferiority complex but I shrug and say I might, not telling I have actually been reading up on a lot of stuff like that and particularly on narcissistic personality disorder. 

Just because I don't get drunk like everyone else in my life.
Doesnt mean I don't have a life.
Why won't this point go deep enough into my skin?

(no subject)

[peppermint-dick.livejournal.com]

I LOVE MY FUCKING FAT

Even if I loose weight, you still seem to be here, creating gross on my body.
Someone make it go away?