(no subject)

[stillbourne.livejournal.com]

::steps out of seclusion::

::goes to her office and wonders why the door's WIDE open...::

::looks carefully in, looks around... everything is how she left it::

::notices her nurse cap that was on the desk is missing again....::

bored bored bored!!!

[iheartsantino.livejournal.com]

*runs down hallway*
*giggles hysterically*
bored! i'm bored!
*more laughter*
*pounds hands against the wall, smiling and happy*
i'm bored! bored bored bored!
*becomes dead silent, laughter gone, eyes wide*
*looks around*
*bolts down the hallway*

So what brings you to the hospital today?

[tankgirl24.livejournal.com]

Ok so I actually did it.
I have never done anything more scary and nerve racking in my life and I've done some pretty fucked up foul shit.

I went to the hospital.
The Triage nurse asked me what brought me to the hospital and I said:
"I can't pretend everything is ok anymore."
She looked at me smiled slightly (genuinely as far as I could tell) and then nodded and said that I should have a seat outside and wait for my name to be called.

It took 2+ hours of waiting.
I got called in and they took my jacket jewlery and phone.
They took my belt but let me keep my shoes because they had straps not shoe laces.
I got called into the office and the doctor asked me to explain what I meant when I said that I couldn't pretend everything was ok anymore.
I just started crying right there in front of this stranger.
I cried through most of the interview.
Here are some snippets:
"He severed tendons in his right hand, the pinky and ring finger. He said he didn't remember doing it. The knife was at the foot of his bed and the last thing he remembered was thinking "She'll never know how much I love her"." (She = Me)
"I was talking on the phone with him on Sunday morning at 4:00am and then I heard loud noises and banging and the line did not go dead but he didn't respond to my calls. I cried and cried and screamed 'Please say something please don't be dead please just say something!!!!' I had taken two Wal-Soms (Walgreens sleeping pills) before I started talking to him. I got in my car in my nighty and I drove over 50 miles in side streets and thought it's ok if the cops tail me because the more help the better. I kept asking if I should call 911 but I just couldn't hang up on him. I got there at 5:00am ish and I opened the door and I thought there was going to be blood everywhere like last time... Blood and blood and him dead... He wasn't dead and there wasn't blood. He was curled rocking. I fell and I couldn't stop twitching and shaking and I couldn't breathe right and I felt sick and off and I couldn't think and I couldn't move. I don't know how I got up or how I made it home but I did. I didn't sleep and I put on my nice dress and went to church with my family... It was Palm Sunday and my family was ushering. I put the smile on and handed out pamphlets and palms... Happy Palm Sunday! I was a grade A actress. I was crying and crying and crying but no one saw. No one knew and no one could."
"If my dad has another heart attack it will be number 10. I used to be fine I used to not cry. All I do is cry. All I do is cry. I cannot make it stop and no one sees and no one is coming to help and no one is there to save me. I tell him I'm sad. I tell him A B C D to do to make me feel better and he does -A -B -C -D and then tells me he loves me. He says he can't help but not do the things I ask of him because he is not well inside. Well he's right he is not well. He has had the worst and sickest childhood/adolescent/upbringing you can imagine... or maybe you cannot imagine. I know he is a monster, but I also know that monster was created by others and not because he was born that way. How can I leave his side when it is not his fault he is the way he is but how can I stay at his side when there is no one on my side."
Well...
There was a lot more and the ultimate conclusion was unanimous. You need immediate regular psychiatric help and you will be put on immediate anit-depression medication. Make an appointment asap. Have a nice day!

Well the appointment is tomorrow morning and it has felt like years since last Wednesday. Everyday I fight the urge to cry in front of people. There is so much more that I had forgotten and thinking about the bad things now has brought back things I swear couldn't have happened to me for how could I have forgotten those terrible things in the first place? Now I'm totally fucked FUCKEd. I do not know if I'm anxious or sad or angry or manic or lonely or scared. No I'm everything all the time. I remember it was only two weeks ago things weren't so bad. The mask was in place and nothing wasn't unbearable. No I'm trying to lie to myself. The last time I was Happy was the week before he came back into my life. Just the week prior to him because prior to that I was not happy. I remember I was single and happy. Happy the real happy.
The kind of happy where you can go to your room and lie on your bed and not think of anything or anyone.

that sucked. Or, prepare for a summer of utter loneliness.

[krazyside.livejournal.com]

Well, this is great. I've just had a great big chunk of my support system yanked away from me. Got thrown out of the club over some drama that happened several months ago, the cunt waited until all my friends had left then (backed up by scumbag cronies) whined to the doorman and ranted at me barely letting me get a word in edgeways.

You know what? Fuck those guys. Fuck 'em in the ear. It's a shitty, cliquey, boring little dive that play mostly crap music anyway. They hardly play any proper goth anymore and there hasn't been a synthpop night yet. It's mostly fake industrial music (ie techno) and crappy guitar heavy power noise. I just can't be arsed with these creeps.

In the meantime, I expect my psychological health to take a nose dive into the abyss. What fun. This year really is turning into a sort of negative image of last year, last year I was happy some of the time because I was with someone but miserable a lot of the time because the person I was with was a raving nutter, this year I'm happy some of the time because I'm not with a raving nutter but miserable a lot of the time because I'm completely alone and the creeps are closing in.

Well, so it goes. Utter isolation and misery beckons. I don't even care anymore, I can can learn to live with being alone but I can't ever learn to live with being surrounded by bullying, gossiping, evil little turds like this asshole, my ex (who is crawling up to him) and their little buddies.

I've been alone most of my life and to brutally honest, I'm used to it. It's being crowded and fucked with by people who want to make me their bitch that gets to me. It's on days like this that I wish the local power station would go critical and the whole city would empty out in panic leaving in peace and fucking quiet.