R.I.P. MICHAEL

[dangerbaby3000.livejournal.com]

recently i found out that a good man has been dead for 2 years. i know that sounds weird, but both our families have moved around a lot, and we lost touch. just a couple of days or so ago did we finally reconnect.

michael o.d. was a very kind and generous person. he helped my family when we were very in need. when we had to choose between paying rent on time and buying groceries, he took care of that and bought us groceries. if we were short on rent, he gave my ma the missing amount.

o.d. was a white-supremacist 60-something hippy. your're right, that doesn't make a shred of sense. but that was o.d. a dead-head, pot-smoker/grower, over-fed long-haired leaping gnome. he had a crazy, smoker's laugh, and unfortunately he had a list of health problems that went untakencareof, which ultimately led to his death on the side of a road while hitch-hiking.

i want people to know that, though o.d. was a walking contradiction, he was warm-hearted and helped my family more than we could have ever thanked him for.

i know it's two years late, but thank you, o.d. thank you for everything you did for us. we will never forget you.

rest in peace.

(no subject)

[twystedblyss.livejournal.com]

I need to do something important with my life. I need to have children, to work with children, to shape the future in some way. Part of me wants to own a daycare centre, but part of me wants to go into child psychology. I could do both, but that would be a lot more schooling and probably more than I can afford, both financially and time wise. I want to have kids before I'm 35, ya know? And prefferably not before I finish school and get a steady job. So that has to happen soon. I'm 25 already, 26 in December. God it scares me to be closer to 30 than 20...and yet I always feel so old anyways. That's the depression, I think.

We didn't get any mail today, which was good, because I was worried about bills showing up. We haven't done our grocery shopping yet and we only have the $500 check left to do grocery shopping and pay bills, plus buy groceries for our friend and her son. Money is really stressing me right now. But we still have to collect for the paper route, so we should be ok. We'll have money for more weed (because yes, that is my biggest worry, running out of greenage, sad eh?) We'll get by like we always do.

I could go on and on forever right now.

How about another piece of the puzzle?

Jason once raped me with a lit cigar and a beer bottle while his friends stood around and watched and laughed and got high. I screamed because it hurt, and he burnt me, and then he just started laughing and ended up fucking me til I bled, then letting a few of his friends rape me and make me give them oral sex. I think I was about 8 at the time? I could expand, but there's no need. It's not the beginning of my story, and it's certainly not the end. I will fill the rest in eventually, in time.

Hahahaha...I read that now and it seems so...cliche...that it almost makes me want to throw up. But it was real, I remember it. I feel it at night. I may still have the scar from the burn, I don't know I don't look down there very often. Maybe I'll ask my girlfriend to look and see if she can find it, later. I know it was there, but it may have faded. It was a long time ago, after all.

What else can I ramble about to you lovely people? Oh, I know! Evanescence's new album The Open Door comes out in stores tomorrow. I was bad and downloaded it already, but I am going to buy it anyway, tomorrow. And you all need to buy it too. It is the most amazing album I have ever heard. If you were a fan of their's from Fallen, and have downloaded any of the older stuff, you know how amazing they have always been...but this album is the BEST of anything they have EVER done. OH, and check out AFI's Decemberunderground while you're buying the Evanescence. It's a great CD.Trust me, I know music.

Feel like a speck on the face of the world
A blemish that won't go away
A scar, a stain, something dark and dirty
Like I don't belong here
I feel unclean
I am unwell.
But I don't know how to stop the sickness
From spreading to my every cell
It's creating a web out from my very core
To every inch of my being, my heart, my soul
And I don't know what to do
The pills don't stop it.
Nothing stops it.
I'm going to be diseased forever
And I hate that

Sorry, that just kind of came out. *sighs*

OK, that's enough now. I said too fucking much already. Love to you all.

(no subject)

[twystedblyss.livejournal.com]

( Upset.. )

(no subject)

[splitpeach.livejournal.com]

Watching Enkidou Die

The first time I read Gilgamesh
I could not imagine how it must
Feel to lose your best friend or
How you could learn or change by
Experiencing such a traumatic
Event.

But I cried myself to sleep last
Night, and the night before
And I keep waking up from
Nightmares, hoping for something
More. I reach out for you and
Despair when my fingers find empty
air.

And now I know what it feels like
To watch Enkidou die.

I couldn't see the look on your face
All I had was the screen of my
Monitor. I didn't get to hear the
Inflection in your voice as you told
Me you met someone new. All I saw
Was text.

I know where your pain comes from but
I'm powerless to heal it. Right now
All I can do is hear your bitter words
And feel it. You told me how you were
Going to fuck her this night and the
Next.

And now I know what it feels like
To watch Enkidou die.

You don't even like her, you're
Just so damned afraid. You'd die
If you committed to anything for
More than just a day. And here I
Built my life around you, reflecting
Myself in you.

And you've left me here to wither
And die, like a child's doll that
You're too old to play with anymore.
The pain is a physical force that
Pulses inside my chest. At first I
thought that only you could make it
Go away.

But now I know, that really it is I
Who don't need you anymore. Because
I've spent my life fulfilling
Expectations that were never my own.
And now that I've no expectations,
I can finally see my own.

And I will fluorish here, where you've
Left me. Because I am King. I am Divine.
And I will rebuild Uruk in the image
Of myself. Welcome to my city!
Because now I know what it feels like
To watch Enkidou die.

-- Fluorine; 2oo6

SSI

[sadandangry.livejournal.com]

I have an appointment tomorrow with the SSI (social security insurance) worker. I am nervous and I wanna to know what kind of questions do they ask there? I am asking for SSI because of my disability. And i wanna to know what do they ask you? And anyone know what is consider "diable"?

(no subject)

[silenceiskey.livejournal.com]

I can't do this. I can't fit in all this fucking homework and stay after school too for allt his fucking extra help I need.

I can't do the math in my normal math class and I can't do the stuff in my SATprep. math class. I CAN'T FUCKING DO ANY OF IT.

I hate myself.

Ive posted this before, but I want to share it again...

[persephone-thea.livejournal.com]

(no subject)

[twystedblyss.livejournal.com]

I have to say this community is the best place for me right now. I can feel totally safe because not everyone in the Goddamn world can read what I write. I'm the only one around here (in this house) that's a part of it, and no one else really knows it exists. I can vent and scream and just be a bitch and no one can yell at me. I love it.

I'm thinking of getting another kitten sometime soon. Another black one if my fiancee can handle it. Our black cat ran away about 2 months ago, and I miss her terribly but I'm ready to love someone else too. Doesn't mean I will forget her.

I wish I had more weed left. I have enough to roll a blunt, and then a ton of roaches. Ahh well, we have money, can buy more tomorrow. That's the beauty of a paper route. Hehehe.

Anyway, that's enough now. Again, it's good to be home. Will be rearranging my furniture in my room tomorrow. *winks and giggles*

xoxo
Erica

Fit this in, please...it's out of place

[twystedblyss.livejournal.com]

I was 9. It hadn't happened in months...the whole time school was in session, they left me alone. Then the first day of summer vacation came along. And they caught me when I got off the bus. I tried to act like everything was fine (my little brother and sister were there...I told them to tell mommy I wanted to visit a friend and I would be home soon, I knew she'd be ok with that...my first taste of true freedom in 10 months...) We went inside the house, Jason, John, and I. I was shaking, because I knew what was about to happen. I knew I was about to be tortured, and I had almost put the pain out of my head and started to heal and now here it was happening again. We went down to the basement this time, where there was a computer chair with handcuffs on the arm rests and the bottom...for my hands and feet. They stripped me down, and handcuffed me to the chair with my legs spread wide open. They tipped the chair back (it reclined) and John climbed on top of me, entering me so hard and fast that I was forced to cry out in pain. That scream made Jason realize he had to keep me quiet, so he immediately started to force oral sex on me. I started to gag, and bit down on him, which made him slap me across the boobs. After that, I just endured. Then they switched positions, and Jason was bigger than John so he hurt worse inside me than John had, but at least John's cock didn't choke me to death. After they finished, there was a knock on the door. It was their friend Tim. And guess what? He took a turn too. Then they uncuffed me, dressed me, and sent me home. End of story. Told my mom I had a great time. Summer was gonna be wonderful....yeah right.

(no subject)

[persephone-thea.livejournal.com]

I feel hate today.

dont ask me why.

(no subject)

[twystedblyss.livejournal.com]

Pieces are missing
Or maybe out of place
I can't find them
It doesn't make any sense
I feel like I'm broken
And spread out like ashes
Floating on the breeze
Completely unable to control my own life
My own destiny
I'm hot, I'm cold
I'm sweating but I have goosebumps
Locked in a world full of people
But alone and invisible to all of them
Transparent and ignored
Left to carry my burden of insufferable pain
Alone
Because I am nothing
Just vapor...floating into the air