[insert witty topic line]

[dementedheather.livejournal.com]

Well, guess it's another year.
*looks around*

...

Still, nothing has changed...
Same flat. Same life. Same me. Just a little less myself, maybe.

Those meds are making me feel dizzy at times... I prolly took too much.
At least the voices shut up... can't stand hearing them now.

The med nurse under medication. Heh. Guess that suits me.
Anyone want some of my pills? They also work well against headaches.

I'm just not feeling very comfy in my skin right now... anyone want it? Guess not. Stuck in here anyways...

Oh well..

(no subject)

[eviltera.livejournal.com]

View #1 for execute_me_666



Do you like it so far?

Secret Santa Recieved!

[ahnueckh.livejournal.com]

eeee!
I got a Van goh print and an Escher print and two votives with plaing cards n the side, a deck of playing cards, some chocolates in the shape of playng cards and a book of poetry in spanish and english!

I have no idea who got me but

THANK You Oh So much!

I also got my christmas card from nurse tera, thank you too so muchly


:)

On spectres and insanity

[bubblegumsleaze.livejournal.com]

I think the time of questioning my own sanity has to come to an end. A year ago I was so unstable I had staff in my house every single moment that my family wasn't there. I had paid roomates, paid staff, in home nursing, a case manager, a case co-ordinator, a social worker, a community advocate, my psychiatrist, and an outpatient day program. I had so many meds I was almost non functional, yet I was still as fucked up mentally as it's possible to be. I had mood swings that are indescribably, lived in a perceptual reality that could not be duplicated even by the best Hollywood special effects team, could not have a conversation that I could follow all the way through, couldn't speak coherently, was actively delusional more than 50% of the time, was self abusive, unpredicable, violent, and was hospitalized a total of 16 out of 52 weeks.
I had two family guardians and other people held power of attorney over me.

Enter Clozaril.

I'm now my own guardian. I hold my own power of attorney. I have no staff, in house or otherwise. I don't go to any sort of programming. I have a full time job, pay my own bills, pay my own rent. There have been no violent episodes. There have been no mood swings. My best friend died and I did not flip out, though I did become an ass and piss a lot of people off. So be it. I have had no hospitalizations but one, and that was for a physical illness, not a psychotic issue.

So. The question of this person I keep seeing. Justyn. The one possibility it is only logical to eliminate is that I'm hallucinating. I don't see things that aren't there anymore. The occasional random delusional ideation that still occurs is fleeting...we're talking moments. An odd idea, followed by a very solid knowledge that what I just thought was absolutely asinine, and then it's over.

I'm still schizophrenic, but I'm not symptomatic. I'm on good meds, my symptoms are completely controlled. End of story.

I'm not seeing something that's not there. Confirmation of that comes from the people who have also seen it. And been bruised and gashed open by it =P Something/one is there and it/he is real.

Is it a ghost? It's been documented before. People have written books. Made movies. Gone on tv. Maybe it is.

Is it Jay? No. It's not Jay. As reasonable as that solution would have been, and as easy as it would have been to swallow, he's got absolute verification of his whereabouts on all KINDS of these Justyn sightings. Even crazy people can't be two places at once. So even if he were insane and flipping into a persona of his dead twin and coming to see me, he couldn't do it while simultaneously being at work in the company of many other people.

What does that leave? It leaves Justyn, alive or dead.

He's not alive. We all know, we were all there, we all went to his funeral. Yes, we all saw him. He didn't do anything so Lifetime Womens Television as fake his own death.

Whatever this is, it's not in my head, and it's not in Jays head.

Now how do I get rid of it?

My room

[ahnueckh.livejournal.com]

( Read more... )

What happened to Gonzo Journalism??

[lost-in-wonderl.livejournal.com]

Now, this is something bazzar. My english teacher does NOT know who Hunter S. Thompson is!!!! WTF!!!???!!! He's a fucking english teacher for fuck sakes!! AAhhh... someone please put that poor man out of his misery!

OK...so today he gives us our ISU (Independant Study Unit) assignment today, and we have to write an essay on a great author. Now this project has stippulations: 1. They must have made a great contribution to literature, 2. You have to find secondary sourses on them, especially in novel form, 3. They must be an author of more than one genre, 4. They must have made an impact in the literary world! Now if that doesnt scream Hunter S. Thompson, then I must've gone batty!

So, I spent almost an hour arguing with the teacher, that Hunter S. Thompson meets all his criteria and I will not fail to complete the assignment, with all the citation he requires. But before I can even go ahead and research this author, he has asked me to prove that my choice meets his criteria. I have offered to write an essay on why for him, but he simply asked me for one thing... tell him what impact Hunter S. Thompson has had on the literary world, and why can he be concitered a great author. I have my own thoughts on this, but I would love to hear yours....

Please tell me what you think you know about Hunter S. Thompson and why is he a worthy author?

(no subject)

[bitch-city-cigs.livejournal.com]

Hi, my name is Lauren. I've been lurking for a while in my straitjacket, but finally decided to say hi. I like movies and my pretty little happy pills. That's about it. I scream a lot. It's fun.

(no subject)

[tankgirl24.livejournal.com]

Hi...

I've been away for quite some time. I've had some family troubles.

Did we get any resolution on the secret santa thing?

I mean did we fess up or anything like that or did it just remain a secret?

Sigh...

I've been binging on Anime. I watch at least 7 episodes a day plus go to work. It's more than an addiction, it's an escape and a release.

Well if anyone has any news on the secret santa thing please let me know, thanks in advance.

Back.

[dementedheather.livejournal.com]

Hey everyone. I'm back. More or less. I'm still a little dizzy, so I'd like to take it slow for now. But your nurse Heather is back again. Seems like I missed a lot of things. Any things up that I ought to know?

Oh, and... I noticed that someone has stolen the cookies again. Those were meant as reward for good behavior you little thief! *shakes head* tsk tsk tsk. Well, when someone of you comes up with a stomach ache I at least know who ate them all.

As for all the others...

*goes out* *comes back with a 10 feet tall pile of cookie boxes*
For all of you who were missing me.
*goes on and distributes cookies to everyone*

(no subject)

[stetnee.livejournal.com]

How can a father not know and/or not care of the damage he does his daughter? As a parent, arent you suppose to love your children? Do anything for them? Make sure that they never feel unloved? Make sure that they never feel like a burden?

How can someone apparently go out of their way to make their child's life a living hell?

I admit, I'm not always a good daughter. In fact, usually I'm sucky. But everytime I try to be nice and I try to get along with him, he does more shit to hurt me. How can he not know what he does to me? How can he not care?

I know my Mom loves me, and sometimes I get the normal "She just loves me cuz I'm her daughter and she has to," feeling, but isnt a dad suppose to love his daughter?

He makes me feel like such a loser. He makes me feel like I'm not worth anything. Today's episode is causing me to binge. I am binging as I write. And when I go upstairs, I am going to purge cuz I feel so ugly. And after that I think I might cut. Cuz if I'm gonna be ugly I will be the one to make myself that way. I havent had an incident like this in a long time. I havent cut in a long time. Thanks Dad.

Sorry.

[dementedheather.livejournal.com]

Just noticed I'm no nurse anymore, sorry.
I haven't exactly been a good nurse, either.
You know... leaving you all without a word... I should've told a friend to make a post here to let you know.

This place has changed alot since I paid my last visit (obviously in shape, looks and staff).
And I really like that calendar. Great job you did there.

Guess I couldn't have been of much help even if I had been here anyways.
With these group therapies and all...
All I can do is give out cookies and smile. And maybe listen to other people's problems, trying to help them.
I don't really need a nurse cap to do this.
stillbourne is doing a great job with the community website etc and she is a great organisator.
eviltera and fluorinefrenzy are way better in design, web layout and icon-making than I could ever be.
And the others are way more creative...
I guess you have a nice nurse/doctor staff there.
You don't need me to meddle there, I'd just spoil the milk. I'll huddle into my corner quietly and keep my nose out of mod stuff.

If anyone wants to talk to me, just go ahead. I still try to listen and help wherever I can.
And don't bother, you'll get your supply of cookies all fine. If you still want'em, that is.

Oh, and I'll keep my nurse icons as a memento if you don't mind.

Foressia Update

[herrdersylphen.livejournal.com]

I've made flourinefrenzy co-mod of foressia and foressiarpg because of her new ideas to "revive" it. flourine, change the layout after your liking. Let's see what you can do.

To sculpt the world of foressia a little more interesting, as she proposed, we should also think about plots. Something like a main plot throughout the adventures.

I thought this to start off as a free rpg but it looks like people lose their interest.
Everyone may keep their character, but, depending on plots, we should think about starting all over from zero.
Plus, maybe we should reduce the character limit to one per person for the beginning. That makes it easier for those who have less time - we can evolve our characters throughout the plot.
I'll stick with Leila (xeverdarkx) for now.

So, any ideas? (x-posted in foressia)

Sadness, Depression, Hope, and Advice Needed

[execute-me-666.livejournal.com]

I just finished watching the movie For the Love of a Child on lifetime. It was about child abuse and based upon a true story. It seriously broke my heart and I definately shed some tears. Very very sad. I just don't understand how parents--the people in life who are supposed to protect you-can hurt there children so horribly and with the intention of hurting them. It just baffles me and disgusts me.

The women who started ChildHelp USA, Sara and Yvonne....they are incredible people. I truly admire them for having stumbled across this situation and then took it into their hands and hearts to help. There are so many children out there who need help.

I wonder if Laura was okay. I hope she was. It broke my heart when Micheal left and the events turned out the way they did. I knew right when Sara had the bad feeling that it wasn't going to turn out well. *tear* I wonder what happened to Jacob's parents, though. In some ways, it seemed like his mother didn't really mean for it to happen or whatever--like she was too scared to stop it; but I still thik that she should also have gotten in trouble b/c she let it happen and didn't do anything. No matter how scared you are, you child should be the most important thing in your life and if you can't keep him/her safe, then who will?



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Morrison died today, I guess. Marcus was pet-sitting him for me for a couple weeks and he im'd me today. I told him I was watching a really sad movie on lifetime and he was like aww, maybe i should make your day any worse then. I had this gut feeling suddenly that Morrison was dead. And sure enough...he was. Marcus said he left over the weekend and when he got home his roommate sad the heat when out all weekend. Marcus went in to his room and Morrison was already passed.

Morrison was so young....he'd have been only one years old this march. How old is the usual life expectancy of hamsters? Marcus had a hamster that got sick from some genetic disease and died. He just has bad luck I guess. Kind of makes me feel guilty for leaving Morrison in his care. It makes me heart ache, wondering how he died.

Geeze, I've been really emotional all month long. (Yes I'm aware it's only the 9th) I cry at commercials for crying out loud. What's going on with me. I just am overwhelmed with agony and the smallest little thing tat is sad could make me cry. With all the horrorible I've been finding out lately, you'd think I'd be drowing in tears.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


I've been really good with going to the gym this year so far. I took the weekend off, but I went every day last week and will go every day this week, except Friday, because I won't be in town. I lost three pounds since last Tuesday, too, which is definately exciting. I've decided to keep track of my food and calorie intake in a little notebook. I know I've tried before and never kept up for very long, but I think this time I have more motivation. I even bought this little pocket size-ish green notebook to write down everything in from Family Dollar earlier today, which will give me more oompf to want to do it. I'm also only going to weigh myself and do the ribbon test once a week, on Mondays. That way, it's the beginning of the week and if I have an setbacks, I can just say, well, its a enw week, new start. If I do it in the middle of the week, I'll lose myself because it'll be like, well, I can just screw it till next week. I can't say that at the beginning of the week. Yay! So three pounds in one week, I'd say that's a start.

I'm also doing the ribbon test every Monday so that I don't focus so much on the numbers as much as the fact that I'm getting more in shape and more toned. What the ribbon test is, for those who may not know, is that you take a piece of ribbon and cut it to the length around your stomach (or whever you want to lose the wieght) Every time you measure and you get smaller, you cut the length of the ribbon so that each end just touches. I'm also hanging the ribbon on my wall and marking the date of the bottom of the length so I can see my progress. (I also made a mark at the top so I know exactly where the ribbon needs to hang from when I take it down to remeasure.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


I've made a realization that I am not that great and keeping close girlfriends. Whenever I think I have a best friend, something always happens and we drift away. I know its inevitable for people to drift away, but throughout my entire life, every girlfriend I have gotten close to has left; we had some kind of falling out or just plain drifted apart. The only bestie I still have is Jessalynn; I've known her now for four years.

Here is a list of my bestiese throughout the years (roughly)

Kathryn: Probably about 1st grade or so until about the 5th grade. (4 yrs)
Nikki: 5th grade through Sophomore year of HS (6 yrs)
Corryn: Freshman HS until Sophomore Uni (We're still friends, but it seems like we've drifted a whole lot. Idk, actually lately, it doesn't even seem like she wants to be my friend. Idk.) (6 yrs)
Chelsea: Freshman Uni until Jr Uni (2 yrs) We had a big falling out but then got back on track. My sister. Then we had an even bigger falling out and well, now.....my sister is as dead to me as I am to her (even tho I miss her horribly)
Jaquelyn: Sophmore Uni until well......supposedly wer'e still besties now; however, the last time we actually hung out was this past summer. Every time she's supposed to come voer, she bails. She doesn't return my phone calls. Idk. Something changed with her. Idk if its her b/f or what.
Jessalynn: Freshman Uni until present.

Ya.....wow. I'm not very good at keeping close friends, I guess. ::sigh:: It makes me sad and lonely.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


So many people around me are getting engaged or having babies. It kind of sickens me; but only because inside, I am jealous. I want that happiness, you know? It's like...why can't that be me. People who are younger than me are finding it and it makes me feel like I'll never find love or have kids. Maybe I should become a nun, lol. I don't think the convent would ever even accept me with all the sins I've committed.

Lorraine and Matthew--living together; she has a ring so they might as well be engaged.
Corryn and Daniel--living together; engaged
Jaquelyn and Micheal--practically living together; both have promise rings so again, might as well be engaged (hell, maybe they are and I don't even know--some bestie ::sigh:: )
Chelsea: had a baby
Jessie: pregnant, living with the daddy; her baby shower is this coming Sunday
Erika: pregnant; living with daddy; her baby shower was yesterday
Janaya and Mike--own a house, have two kids and are getting married this September
Dennis and Cindy--engaged; he's in Iraq right now.
Dustin and Antonia--just had a baby and are living together
Chris and Whoever--engaged
Gina and Seth--may be pregnant.
Adam and What's her name--engaged.

I'm sure I'm forgetting someone. But wtf....why can't it be me?!?!



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


I had a great work out at the gym today. I was there for two and a half hours and it felt great. I went tanning first, then went to the gym and went on the treadmill, then did weight machines, then did some free weights (dumbbells) and then did the corss trainer elliptical machine. Then I went in the spa for a lil while and then the steam room. I adore the steam room. Its just fantastic. It loosens up the phlegm in me too, from ym cold, (sorry for the tmi).

Once I lose twenty pounds, and if I stay faithful to eating right and going to the gym every day, I'm going to treat myself to a massage. It's $40 for an hour for students, which isn't that bad, really. It's about 6 hours of work, if you include the tip, which really isn't all that bad. I should be getting a raise next month, hopefully. *crosses fingers*

Anyways, I best be getting to bed. It's getting late and I want to get up early tomorrow to go to the gym before work at 8 so I can get a couple hours in tomorrow instead of just one hour, since by the time get out of work and done tanning, I'd only have an hour at the gym til they closed.

Ciao bella.





___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

*edit*

Okay I'm going to list what I consumed today and whatnot and you tell me if it was good or not. Writing it out, I feel like it was a lot, but I know it really wasn't. My friend told me that it was below starvation. We both have struggled with eating disorders for years so I'm trying my damndest not to fall back into that behavior. I just want to be healthy. Tell me what you think, be brutal, be honest.

I'm not going to post my intake every day, because I don't want to become obsessive with it and I know that by telling people, I'll try to consume less, so I'm keeping track in my journal and just for today, I'm posting because I want opinions.

So here goes:

Woke up and showered and whatnot then went tanning and to the gym. I was at the gym for two and a half hours.

Treadmill--30 minutes
Machine Weights--45 minutes
Free wieghts/Little dumbbells--15 minutes
Cross trainer Elliptical--15 minutes
Hot tub and Steamroom-15 minutes
Shower and got ready for work--30 minutes

After my workout I took a One-a-Day Weight Smart.

Sunny D--100 cal (also the first thing I consumed all day; after my workout with the vitamin)
Dixie cup Orange Juice--55 cal
Dixie cup Chex mix--100 cal (this and the orange juice was for snack at work; we are required to eat with the kids)
String Cheese--100 cal
7 triscuits with garden veggie cheese spread--200 cal
Can tomato soup--250 cal
1 cup milk (for soup)--110 cal
10 saltines (in soup)--120 cal

Total: 1035 calories

And then I've been drinking water since I got home from work and had one 24 oz bottle when I was there. (It was gone in an hour and I could have drank another, but I didnt bring anymore in from my car and couldn't go out and get any)

So ya, thats that. What do you think?




(x-posting in journal)