crunch

[carrion-heart.livejournal.com]

so last night i totally smashed my head into the wall. don't ask me how.... it's a long story..


anyway, I smashed it hard enough to make me vomit but i don't think i had a concussion becaus my eyes were dialating... and i managed to wake up this morning.

speaking of waking up in the morning. this particular morning I somehow managed to link my tooth paste to the lost city of atlantis.

my brain was particularly playful today. i don't even remember the drive home from work.

My FIRST Son,Timmy Block

[nam-erehwon-eht.livejournal.com]

I'm very sorry to bore you all with this. But I sort of think that this is one of my more important posts. Please indulge an old man here ... And forgive me for perhaps boring you with some ranting ...

Entry dated: 12/08/05 in my private journal - shared here because I love you all so much...

_________________________________

All of my life I've been that sort of person who, when people see me, they either feel like they need a hug, or that they just got one. I don't know why. But that's always been the case.

So, when I got to the ward in 1968, the younger boys just seemed drawn to me. I was the oldest boy in the ward. David Young was 14. But the rest of the boys were either 10 to 12, or younger. So, whether I liked it or not, whether I could do it or not, I had to be the Dad. And so I was. And, as I have said, when I would show kindness, or help those in trouble, when the staff refused to do so, I was horribly beaten every single time. And when the beatings would occur, I, well, I didn't know much how to be a parent to these children. But I did know that when you were suffering, you did NOT put that suffering on your children. So, when I would be beaten, I would become very quiet. I would come back to the ward, all bruised and with a terrible look on my face. Then, seeing the children, my children, I knew that I just HAD to be strong for them. So I'd put on a smile and then just say I wanted to go to the solarium for a little while. Of course they all knew why I was going away from them. They all knew. Anyone who looked at me could see that I had been beaten horribly. But, these were my children. And children, regardless of what anyone might say, truly do love their parents. And these children, my children, loved me. So they'd just smile back as I would roll on through to the solarium where I would spend a few quiet moments alone crying, and hurting. There was no one there who reached out for me. There was no one there for me to beg to hold me. No. This place, the ward, was the closest I've ever been to Hell on Earth in my life. Ever.

But I'd get over the crying and then come out, with a spring in my voice and do what I HAD to do. Be concerned for my children, and THEIR safety and well being.

And so it was...

And then, I met Timmy...

( Timmy Block )

This was a tough memory to write. Very tough. Very few people really understand, unless they have lost one of their own, what it's like to lose one of your children. Very few understand. And while Timmy was never legally mine, and he was Black and I was white, and only 18....Well, just know this. No matter what anyone has ever said to me, no matter when or where... to me, in my own heart, Timmy Block has always been, and shall remain for the rest of my entire life, as my FIRST SON... My son... my little boy... who I loved then, and love now so much. And NOTHING is ever going to change that.

And while I am now suffering from my own mental illnesses and am so totally disabled, and bent and crooked that I find it so very hard to even go out much... to me, that doesn't matter okay! It just doesn't matter... to ME...ALL of the world's children are MY children... ALL of them... I may be horribly damaged, but my heart is HUGE... okay...it's a really big heart... and I have lots of room in there ...lots...

So, while I'm pretty poor, and so limited that going out scares the hell out of me anymore... and I sometimes will start having rapid breathing and turn red and scared when I'm around too many people... while, when I go to stores, and they find my name is Nicole, and I have to tell them that my mom gave me that name, rather than the REAL story... and I get laughed at... and made fun of... and while they also laugh because I walk crooked...

Okay... I'm not that much...so what! I still have lots of LOVE...Okay...and I use my love, however much I'm limited to do 1 single thing...

Keep alive that love that I once had for my son... Timmy... and to do what I know HAS to be done...to love the children... no matter what, no matter where, no matter when... to simply love the children...

So while every minute 24 more children are being murdered...and while every 3 seconds another baby dies from poverty...

Okay... I might be trapped in this damn body that hates me and trapped in a mind that has become my worst nightmare... But, regardless, I FEEL each child in the world crying... and I feel their screams. I feel their pain. And I rush to stand firm in my own home here, and in my heart to be for them, always, that parent that loving friend and father AND mother that they might need as they cry their last breaths and leave us forever...

So now, the entire world of children they are MY children... and I love them as much as I love Timmy. Just as much and just as deep. And I always will. After all, Timmy deserves at least that commitment from me, with the price he had to pay because I was not able to be do what had to be done to save his life... it's what has to be done...

And so I use my keyboard like a piano... I play the keys and play the music of the children...The songs of their dreams and their hopes and their loves... for after all, the very least that ANY of us can do is truly to be their parents... to be their friends, and to love them, in spite of a world that all too often cares nothing for their lives and looks at them with disregard while these tiny lives pass from our arms with each passing second...

and, like puffs of smoke in the wind, they are then gone... Just like Timmy... and every time the world loses another child the world loses another miracle... My book!

As I said, it's Christmas, I'm an Atheist now. But, it's still Christmas. And when I was growing up, it wasn't my mom and dad who said this. It was one of our black maids who said this... "You know Mickey, at Christmas, it's the most important time to make sure that when you really love someone or care about them, that you make sure that you let them know... It's just important to do that. Lots of things about Christmas are not fun, but telling someone how much you love them and care for them? That's fun....".

And I've held that one thought that Georgia Myers told me when I was just 9 years old... to this very day...

So, it's Christmas. And while it's been horribly hard for me to write this all down... about my first son. My Timmy. As Georgia said, it's Christmas. And at Christmas you take that extra moment to make sure you stop for a second to just tell those who you love how much you really love them....

so, in this very hard memory I've shared now, I'm telling you... all of you...those who know me, and those who do not...

I love you... Truly I do...

The next time you look into a child's eyes... stop for a moment and please, for me, just take a second and remember a very brave little boy who just wanted to write "I love you" to his mom and for that was murdered in cold blood... Our children so desperately need us... They just need us so badly... so very badly...

I love all of you so very much always...

Love,

Mickey

(no subject)

[draco-lily.livejournal.com]

*opens the door, peeks head in with domocles, nods, and runs down the hallways knocking shit over, both cracked out on all-nighter CAFFIENE FEST!!!! with carrion_heart taggin behind*screams"I AM THE LORD OF YOOR TOASTER!!!!!CHILDREN CONSUME YOUR SIBLINGS!!! WILDBERRY POPTARTS EAT MY SANITY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!JAAAAVVVVAAAAAAAAA!!!!!

*plasters face on nurses station window, licks and says"the SNOZBERRIES TASTE LIKE SNOZBERRIES!!!!!!!!!!
randomness...
what is the reason for santa's "ho ho ho"... do you think hes discriminating against females? or is just a fat old pervert?!?!?!

I HATE CHRISTMAS
~lily

(no subject)

[bubblegumsleaze.livejournal.com]

Just thought I'd let everyone know I survived.
I won't go into :survived what: right now because I'm too tired.
But I'm not dead.
Merry Christmas.

(no subject)

[wayin2much.livejournal.com]

panic attack! coming back from a meeting and just felt like I was being watched even when I was alone in the elevator! COuldn't get away from it!
*runs through halls to my room screaming, then hides under covers and refuses to come out*

No, I have to say it.

[bubblegumsleaze.livejournal.com]

Mad at my asylums. Very, very mad. Hate bats. Hate pigeons. Hate, hate, hate.
Two weeks in the hospital. Worst medication ever created. See :Amphotericin B: Sodium poisoning to prevent medication poisoning. Logic?
New medication for life.See :Itraconazole:
Feel like ass. Finding a new playground.
Later. First I'm going back to bed.
Wake me when it's summer.

Thursday Therapy!

[stillbourne.livejournal.com]

First of all,
GO HERE TO START YOUR SQUARE FOR THE _ASYLUM_ ONLINE QUILT

Next, on to therapy:
( Read more... )

(no subject)

[maideleh.livejournal.com]

ATTENTION EVERYONE:

I REQUIRE MANY HUGS AND JOYOUS TEARS! PERHAPS A FEAST AND A FEW VIRGINS IN WHITE DRESSES TO HONOR ME! FOR LO, I HAVE BEEN ACCEPTED TO MY FIRST CHOICE SCHOOL: RUSSELL SAGE COLLEGE!



I've been crying for an hour, since I found out, I've never been this happy.





(Oh, and I also went to a Gastroenterologist today and I'm not dieing. I just have Irritable Bowel Syndrome. They gave me medicine. Now I get to be all better! AND GO TO COLLEGE!)



I LOVE YOU ALL!!

(no subject)

[napalm-lullaby.livejournal.com]

i feel bad about my last post. that belonged elsewere.


skip thirteen spaces and tell the world you're flying away.












~cari

(no subject)

[ahnueckh.livejournal.com]

//physical appearance right now(so you have some clue as to what it is tapping this at you): since I knew I wasn't going out today I quite literally have wild blond curly hair as a halo about my head, it looks almost like sex hair. I have on a highschool sweater and baggy jeans. My feet are cold and bare.

So the wild world of me is rather uneventful, I haven't left my dorm room since about 830am yesterday, sort of a premicrobiology test seclusion. Luckily it will end at about 8am tomorrow when I finally take the test (lets hope I do well.) Afterwards I go drive for an hour to my parents house and pick up a party dress and then drive for another 2 hours to my boyfriend's apartment so we can celebrate christmas and do the company party thing saturday night. I intend on sleeping in too, I think after this semester I deserve that.

On the mental health side of me ::takes off socialworld mask::
While I was fluttering around for a while. Battling myself and making what I think is the hardest decision I could ever make. The decision not to do the things that that my crazyself would like to. The anorexia, the self mutilation, the bla bla bla bla blaaa.
Every choice not to, I made was conscious, which I suppose is a thing to be proud of. The hardest part was the eating thing. I actually stop getting hungry when i start to fall back into that sorta thing, so I hafta fource the whole the thing and then not get sick after wards. But I did and thats the important thing. ::score for me::

The other day Brad (the boyfriend) mentioned that he thought he may not have liked business at first. but it was something he grew to love. Made me think about growing to love people, but I find that definition of love somewhat depressing. I like the idea of lightening striking and all that much better.

well I will stop rambling at yall now

(no subject)

[draco-lily.livejournal.com]

i gots my secret santa gift today...
and inschool for yelling at my teacher.. he (my teacher) said''why are you being so mean to____ ( a basketball player who was annoying me''
and my reply was "i cant fucking help that im bleeding from my vagina!!"
he just looked at me for a minute and said... ''inschool monday''
and i flipped him off as the bell rang

carl gives me pez

[carrion-heart.livejournal.com]

last night eric, monsta and I stopped at sheetz for gas and goodies. While stroling through the tiny isles i came across the pez solection.. wich was somewhat miniscule.

It was at this moment that i stated "I need a pez dispencing friend"

there weren't many friends to choose from but the decision was still a difficult one.

1. There was a fellow with a piolet helmet on. I'll refure to him as piolet pete... even though our encounter was a short one.

2 there was a dog who I'll quite plainly name "dog".

3. and a construction worker with a hard hat who i affectionately call carl.

After minutes apon minutes of debating wile monsta and eric went about doing slightly more productive things, i finally chose carl... his chisled jaw being the deciding factor.

carl is an A+ friend and if you ask him nicely he'll supply you with a pez candy from his neck.