(no subject)

[dangerbaby3000.livejournal.com]

coming soon to a crib near you:

the new baby brother (or sister)

only now, shadowing my excitement, is a little bit of fear, a little bit of anger, a little bit of doubt, and a little bit of jealousy.

anger because what the fuck was my mother thinking getting pregnant, not taking the responsibility to 'play it safe' (even though her tubes are tied), not even fucking worrying about it, adding 1 MORE MISTAKE to the lot of us, because all of us but 1 were mistakes (myself included, i was mistake #1). anger because she more than likely will expect us to take care of the baby, us to buy it's whatever-it-needs. anger because SHE JUST CANNOT FUCKING AFFORD IT!

doubt because i doubt anything is going to change like i thought it would, i doubt she will have learned any new parenting skills in the 20 years she's been a mother, i doubt the father will be sticking around, even though he says he is. i don't want my sibling growing up without a real dad. it makes a fucking difference, i don't care what anyone says. i miss the fuck outta my dad.

jealousy because, well, fuck i'm a little shithead, and being the oldest, i went thru all the shit first, my sister and i were the ones to get smacked around when we fucked up, i was the 'little slut,' the 'little tramp' because i had guy friends, i was the one who was actually PUNISHED, and this little shit will sail thru life, no matter what he/she does. cuz for some reason, my ma decided she shouldn't do anything about ANYTHING after me. ok, i got all the little whiny brat shit out. i'm good. i'm gonna love this kid.
but now i'm just seeing the bad a whole fuck more than the good. i'm worried. my brother and 2 sisters do not need to take up responsibility for this kid, except for the regular brotherly/sisterly duties. but i have a huge feeling she's gonna play the same game.