Self hate...

[0moon-raven0.livejournal.com]

My moods keep going up and down...
I have a crush on a couple of guy friends...it's so stupid though.
One goes to college with me, we've made out...was nice, but he's not interesting in my like that, and I respect that. I'm not going to try to talk him into anything or something...
Another, I'm a little far away from...we're good friends though, he's a good guy. He likes me too but...I'm unsure about it. A lot of other girls have a thing for him, I feel like I'd be too damn jealous or insecure if I were ever with him in a relationship.
It still hurts though...even though we've both fooled around together and stuff...it still hurts, and I hate this about me.
Then all this makes me think about my ex, Eli. He was my first, we were only together for about 6 months, I felt really safe with him. He was my first in everything. I miss the security and familiarity with him...but now he wants nothing to do with me. We didn't have anything in common in the first place...but still...
Now I'm just, hating relationships right now, in general...
I'm fucking fruserated with myself for all this...I'm kind of mad at guys, I'm mad at myself.
What I want...I want to fall in love, I want to be in a relationship again, one that feels safe and secure like my first. But I know not to rush into something, or TRY to force something on someone...so...yeah...but right now...I just have so many mixed feelings.
I feel awful...I don't know what I want. There's this part of me that really wants a relationship right now, it's FUCKING annoying. But another part of me is being careful about things...and yet, here I am right now...hurting.
This fucking sucks...I hate myself. And nobody is here right now that I can just...cry to.
...god...I fucking hate myself...

~Raven