(no subject)

[krazyside.livejournal.com]

I don't matter to anyone. What do I do? Too chickenshit to die, all I really want is to be rescued. But the whole point of this situation is that there is nobody to rescue me. I can't connect with other people, and feel like I am an instantly forgettable cypher.

When I go over the list of people who know me but don't really notice or care, maybe at best they could use me or find me amusing, but certainly wouldn't miss me, I have this strange feeling, this twinge like I am about to be sick. What does it all mean? When I tell myself this truth, this revelation that I dont' matter and that I mean nothing to anyone, that even what's left of my family would only notice my abscense as the loss of an embarrassing Christmas chore, my stomach does backflips and my eyes begin to water. It is quite disconcerting, I can tell you.

Why can't I just be a normal person and not care that I don't matter to anyone? Why am I so vain?