(no subject)

[suburbanitespy.livejournal.com]

It's been a long while since I posted here, or in any community for that matter, and even my personal journal becomes more and more insular all the time. To be honest it's not often that I feel the need for support - I cruise through suicidal mania in a detached kind of way, not feeling much as I resort to self-harm or stupidly reckless drug binges to kill off the urges. I spend my days in a pitched depression, generally sad and empty inside. I'm used to that, and I can almost tolerate it most of the time. But occasionally I sink into a deep and contemplative despair that makes me scared of accidentally catching my own thoughts. These extended periods are far worse than the normally fleeting, aggressive and often violent bouts of self-loathing that my depression usually manifests itself in. Loneliness mutates into all-consuming heartbreak; normal emotions become lost to pure, insurmountable feelings of negativity - guilt, hopelessness, fear, hatred; neediness kicks in but there's no one there for me. The suicidal ideation remains, or resurfaces, but it's a hateful ideation - spiteful and full of 'fuck you'  bitterness. Such darkness fills my mind when I close my eyes that I can't even sleep.

I scare myself. I'm at a loss. I don't know what to do or where to go.

I cried yesterday. So strange for me. And in public too. Not so that anyone would notice, but still, I felt shame like never before.