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Sep. 5th, 2010 01:19 am![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
krazyside.livejournal.comPAIN! A night out ruined. I nearly left because of the depression but fortunately ended up talking to someone long enough to lift me out of that, then my back pain kicked in. Drinking didn't help - I thought it would as alcohol is a muscle relaxant. This is the first time that happened.
I wish I could do something to fix my life but I can't. I have to come to terms with my limitations. I do sometimes think "Maybe I should just go to some foreign country where my savings are worth ten times what they are here" but that would probably be unwise. I've tried moving as a solution to my problems and all that happens is that I end up alone and isolated from my support system, which I miss all too much. So I have to stay here and work out my problems.
It's just that my problems are so unsolvable. Like that old joke about giving a speed freak a little book of unsolvable puzzles - there just doesnt' seem to be anything I can do about the mood swings, the chronic unemployment and unemployability and consequent welfare dependance, the lack of close friends, the lack of family (in fact the utterly broken forever family), the frequent depressions and hypomanias, the every goddam thing that seems to fuck me up that comes not from some horrible outside as previously imagined, but from ME.
There's nothing the world could do to fix me, except give me a long term relationship with someone very understanding and nice indeed, and / or a miracle drug that turned me into a normal person overnight (that I probably wouldn't take anyway because, god dammit, my illness or whatever you want to call it is part of what I AM).
I have to accept the hand I've been given, and accept the lows and loneliness just as I accept the highs and the love when that comes. I don't complain about being smart, beautiful and good in bed, so I shouldn't complain about suffering from unpredictable mood swings and depressions. I have to learn to take the rough with the smooth and love the broken parts of me just as much as the rest.
I wish I could do something to fix my life but I can't. I have to come to terms with my limitations. I do sometimes think "Maybe I should just go to some foreign country where my savings are worth ten times what they are here" but that would probably be unwise. I've tried moving as a solution to my problems and all that happens is that I end up alone and isolated from my support system, which I miss all too much. So I have to stay here and work out my problems.
It's just that my problems are so unsolvable. Like that old joke about giving a speed freak a little book of unsolvable puzzles - there just doesnt' seem to be anything I can do about the mood swings, the chronic unemployment and unemployability and consequent welfare dependance, the lack of close friends, the lack of family (in fact the utterly broken forever family), the frequent depressions and hypomanias, the every goddam thing that seems to fuck me up that comes not from some horrible outside as previously imagined, but from ME.
There's nothing the world could do to fix me, except give me a long term relationship with someone very understanding and nice indeed, and / or a miracle drug that turned me into a normal person overnight (that I probably wouldn't take anyway because, god dammit, my illness or whatever you want to call it is part of what I AM).
I have to accept the hand I've been given, and accept the lows and loneliness just as I accept the highs and the love when that comes. I don't complain about being smart, beautiful and good in bed, so I shouldn't complain about suffering from unpredictable mood swings and depressions. I have to learn to take the rough with the smooth and love the broken parts of me just as much as the rest.
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