Sense that something really bad is going to happen

[krazyside.livejournal.com]

Still convinced that something really bad is going to happen to me, probably this year. Whenever things start going well, that's when disaster strikes. I wake up hoping there's no mail, when there is mail I open is as soon as possible to make sure there are no nasty surprises.

I don't usually like sundays and public holidays, but when I remember that it is one before I check the post I am relieved - no mail then.

Official paperwork sets me off the worst. "DEAR MR. ______", it says, with my name and address all official along with their little logos on their mastheads. I imagine them all to be "WE WANT TO COME IN YOUR HOUSE AND RUMMAGE THROUGH YOUR THINGS AND EVICT YOU AND TAKE AWAY ALL YOUR THINGS AND FUCK YOU OVER" and then I read them and it's not usually as bad.

I'm so afraid of officialdom that I don't even like letting council workmen into the house. I've left the sink blocked up for weeks before now rather than phone, preferring to empty a bucket into the toilet than have the men round. Once they offered me a new bath - for free - and I replied "No thanks", rather than have strange, official looking people come in my house.

When I come home I often, if not usually feel the familiar dread. Something will have happened. My moped will have gone missing, or be trashed. Windows broken, door kicked in. Eviction notice nailed up. As I open the door I try to shake off the feelign that someone - a burglar or a bailiff, some nebulous bad guy, is waiting for me. When I open the door I half expect to trip over paperwork that says they're taking everythign off me, evicting me, some kind of threat or trouble or - Something that will have happened.

It hasn't so far. But it's only a matter of time, my brain keeps telling me.

I wish I could control this fear. It's a guilty feeling, like I'm going to be in serious trouble and it will be my fault.

It's getting worse as well. Why can't I shake this sense of fear and apprehension? What's going on? I didn't feel half as bad when I really did have something to worry about, when I was squatting for example and every day brought new dangers, of being invaded by criminal gangs, of being evicted or arrested or otherwise hassled. Even back then, I felt relieved that at least the Man doesn't know where I live.

It makes me want to run and hide, to make like a little furry animal and crawl into the deepest hole I can find and stay there, anonymous and unknown.

What the hell is wrong with me?

...or maybe not...

[krazyside.livejournal.com]

...And then there's another part of my brain that says that actually, things are probably going to be alright, and at worst there's an even chance of something terrible happening with nothing happening at all, or even something wonderful happening.

I think that the worst thing that has happened to me in the last five years - five otherwise very, very good years, the best of my life in fact - is that I've slowly allowed myself to lose my sense of agency, to wait on events rather than to make them happen.

Everything about my life now is passive. I save up and wait. The more rational part of my mind is worried about my condition worsening, that if I don't do something soon, if I don't take control and man-up and fly right, then I'm going to just carry on walking into a rut, that I'm going to get more and more crazy and mood-swingy and paranoid until eventually I'm going to wake up one day and find myself being fitted for a straghtjacket and shown my nice new rubber room, so to speak (this is strictly metaphorical, I know that the science of mental health has progressed by leaps and bounds and there's no real rubber rooms anymore).

WHat I mean is that one day I might find myself having a psychotic break or just doing something silly out of boredom or desperation, and yet... there is some hope that if I hang on tight and catch a few good breaks, everything will be alright. In those few moments when I'm actually having the good thoughts, it's amazing, it feels like a weight literally being lifted off my body, the tightness in my stomach goes away and I can even imagine sleeping normally...

So lost.

[kelee.livejournal.com]

I don't get it I'm so lost. before my accident I had my life on track going to performing arts acedmy good grades was in school for audio. then in one day and one tree 2 strokes and a coma I become so lost 21 in a few days no job totally dependant on people. No one will hire me because of this and school I'm not smart enough I need to find my way before its to late. I just need some help.  I don't have many friends I got family cats and a boyfriend never new advice always the same. I'm so bored of life.