why?

[dont-hold-me-up.livejournal.com]

So this isn't a big problem and it probably just sounds like whiny bitching but it's just on my mind and making me feel down.

I hate the fact that I'm still single. I hate the fact that I've only had sex twice in my life. Yes that's right twice, and neither time was that good. I hate that every woman I have feelings for always gives me the same line about how they just want to be friends. Maybe it's me. Maybe I'm going after the wrong girls. Maybe I'm just fundamentally undateable. I don't know. I'm a good person and I think I deserve love. Maybe I'm wrong.

Anyway sorry for bitching.

If anyone wants to talk I'll be up for several more hours. AIM is AmericanEulogy87 and Yahoo is outofstep336. Feel free to IM me anytime.

Thanks for listening.

The Tragic Cycle

[rhyzome-soul.livejournal.com]

My sister scares me. It takes a lot to scare me. I've been abused, raped, and beaten, damn near broken, and almost nobody gets to me anymore. Having a gun or knife in my face doesn't do much. Having my life threatened is a fucking joke. But when it comes to her, I don't know what to think or how to deal. Sometimes I worry that she'll kill one of our siblings, even if by accident, in a fit of rage. For years she's been developing in such a way that begged for therapy and rigid guidance. My parents have failed to give that to her. They were too wrapped in their own lives and denial to do anything about it and now it's too late. They coddled her for her entire life and ignored all the signs until she is what she is today. I truly believe she is too far gone, but cling to the hope that she can still heal. She is, if nothing else, incredibly stubborn and resilient.

This has been going on as far as when she was three years old. She lies constantly. Obsessively. If you ask her what color the sky is, she will tell you purple. Anything to be contrary. It's compulsive at this point. She is also extremely violent. I have seen her slam my sister's head in the wall and drag my brother up the stairs by his hair. I have observed her torturing her animals. She starves them to death and when they are skin and bones and Animal Control is called her excuse is that they are fat. She forces her animals to be anorexic like she is. I have watched her laugh uncontrollably as people died horrifically on TV. She steals from everyone, anything and everything, and denies it to the end even when caught redhanded. It's a control issue. My brother's toys broken to pieces, my sister's shoes worn and stretched, my mother's makeup, my grandmother's pills. It's a game. Half the time she doesn't use what she takes, she simply destroys it. When she got pregnant and had an abortion she laughed as she had it done, proclaiming they were 'sucking her clean'. Later on she showed some humanity as she cried from pain and regret, but it was a rare moment.

Lately she's gotten worse. She threatens my mom often, with various things, and is passive aggressive in such a way that frightens everyone in the house. Her latest thing is to destroy everything she can that belongs to the offending person and blame it on mice or her siblings or weather or anything she can. But it's not like she bothers to hide it half the time. She is clever enough to do so, I have seen her hide evidence in...interesting ways. But when she doesn't and she gazes at you with those dead eyes and that telltale smirk, you know it's a private joke. A game. A reminder. She also held a knife to my sister's throat and the throat of my sister's friend and forced them to the ground while promising to kill them. This happened months ago but my sister just came clean about it. She was too afraid to speak. She believed she would be punished by the other sister if she told. And of course my mother was stupid enough to accuse, and my little sis has been paying for it ever since.

It would seem my sister needs help and probably medication. We all know she is bipolar, most likely type 2 rapid cycle. But mom has denied her therapy because of her own denial. Now that she is ready to take her in, my sister won't go. She says she'll run away, be a stripper. She has to have her way or she'll make her own elsewhere and never contact us again. I'm not sure if it's more lies or if we should believe her. It's always so hard to tell. She also changes her mind within an instant, which only adds to the confusion and trust issues. I do love her and want her to face her demons. All of my mother's children are messed up but the rest of us have learned to hide our insanity and function within society as a matter of survival. In various degrees, obviously. But my sister...I do not believe that she will have the same chance if we do not act immediately. She is already a sophomore in high school. We have very limited time to help her.

Suggestions on what to do?

This is my reality

[dissociatedmind.livejournal.com]

My depersonalization and realization often gets the better of me.
It's so difficult to even perform daily tasks when everything just seems so surreal and I feel detached from myself.

But I've made a huge self-discovery... sort of.

Reality is simply a projection of our minds.
Our senses are the only thing that identifies stuff as reality.
So reality is literally whatever you want it to be or perceive it to be.
My own sane insanity ensues.

This revelation has made me come to terms with myself, and everything I see around me.
Sure, I'm probably a little insane.  But aren't we all?