(no subject)

[koukan.livejournal.com]

I'm afraid of being alone. But at the same time, I don't mind it if I'm alone.

A while ago, I was going to class after the holidays. While inside the car, my heart started pounding and I couldn't think and I tried to close my eyes while I kept to myself and stopped how much I want to cry. The words kept ringing inside my head that I don't want to go to school. I'm naturally a loner, but I have friends. I think what made me scared the most was knowing I had friends who'll make me feel safe, but I was afraid that I wouldn't find them in a sea of people and I'd be left to myself. The thing is, I could handle being alone if I didn't have any friends. But I'm scared of being alone even if I had friends.

Gaah. This confuses me so much.

So full

[ryversong.livejournal.com]

One side effect of Autism is that I genuinely do not understand or connect with people sometimes. It seems to be the way things are these days. I am so full of confusion and sadness and loss, because people don't stay. I suppose the internet is good for that. There's always a surplus of people I can type to and it's all in black and white.

(no subject)

[koukan.livejournal.com]

I'm raging like fire. I want to burst, combust, explode. I want to scream myself hoarse. I want to claw out of this shell and tear it apart, piece by piece. I want to strike and plow through.

I'm so full of rage, so full of anger. I want to hit something, smash it with my fists. I want to kick and stomp on something. I want to let go and beat the hell out of everything and everyone that stands in my way. I want to throw something or smash it into pieces. I want to hear it break. I want to pound it into dust. I want to hear blood drip.

I want to feel that sensation of my fists throbbing after a good pounding. I want to feel my arms break and go weak after smashing my hands to a wall. I want to hear that sound, that crack.

It's so damn frustrating trying to hold back. It's so damn frustrating because the dam is going to break soon and soon I'm going to have to vent on something and I'm afraid that instead of breaking something, I might hurt someone damn.