We've fallen apart

[rue42.livejournal.com]

In the midst of my parents getting a divorce...my sister losing her mind...my brother getting beat up by my other sister and there being no consequences...

In the midst of my siblings raising themselves while my mother prepares to fuck other men and my father prepares to kill himself...

In the midst of my marriage crumbling and an oblivious husband...while even now he plays EQ from the time he gets home until the time he goes to sleep...

I am ignored, my confidence shattered, my life so screwed up beyond belief...and I don't know how to ask for my own divorce or how to quit my job. I'm held by ontological security.

I met someone. I really like him. I want to be with him like all the time but I can't, obviously, those reasons exist, and am I a bad person for having feelings for someone like this?

Could I really go back on the morals that are the only thing I really have anymore?

(no subject)

[whatweneversaid.livejournal.com]

I derealized Tuesday morning worse than I have for a year.  I was in my car on the way to school listening to a Rise Against song, and everything started to sound funny, overemphasized and enunciated, like every word was supposed to be important.  Then on the way in to school everything I heard was like that, and it was the same way for about half an hour in the commons area where everybody talks at once.

Normally it just bothers me, but it hasn't happened this bad at school before.  I tried to just accept it like a post a few down said helps, but I also was afraid to let it go, almost like I miss it when it's not there.  Even though it drives me nuts.

I think it started because I had a horrible night Monday - I visited my cousins' house where their family is falling apart, talked to my grandma (who I don't know and I always feel upset talking to her because I feel so distant from that side of my family) for the first time in months, and didn't do anything that I needed to.

It's weird though - I feel like my anxiety and depression stuff has come back full force, but at the same time I almost feel better, like I have something to strive for now.  I mean I feel like crap, but I don't feel completely purposeless, if that makes sense.  I feel more real.  It has something to do with church too - I've been feeling really disconnected from that since I started getting the anxiety/depression under control.  Before when I felt shitty, sometimes it felt really amazing and..I don't know how to describe it, to sit in prayer or this thing they call Eucharistic Adoration and just cry...  I was more spiritual then, and I lost that when I started to feel better emotionally.

Does this stuff happen to anybody else here? I feel like a bit of a freak.