Paxil

[kyriefluffins.livejournal.com]

This is terrible. It's 5:10 AM and I'm still awake and feeling sick. I always get this gross feeling when I wake up. (Actually, it's all day, but during the day I have stuff to distract me from feeling it.) It's from the Paxil. Not as bad as Zoloft, but still bad. I really should tell Dr. C. about it, but every time I talk to her, I forget and I'm afraid to go off Paxil because it works SO WELL!!! (Aside from making me sick, it makes me the happiest I've ever been in my life! Whereas Zoloft just made me sick and depressed.) But it is physically discomforting and affecting my "appetite" (what little I have left - actually I don't even have one anymore) and I should really be responsible and do something about it. I need to take care of myself, but I'm worried I'll forget to tell Dr. C. when she calls me at 10:15 AM. I love Dr. C.! I gave her and her receptionist boxes of See's chocolates for the holidays because I'm so greatful for all they've done for me! :D

(no subject)

[shank-edge.livejournal.com]

A little less than 2 years ago I was pretty suicidal. I'm manic depressive. I finally got on a medication for it that works, Tegretol. Since then I've been doing pretty well, except if I miss a dose, then I can become a real jerk. Well around the time I got on Tegretol I was put on painkillers for my back. I've got a few problems with my back that gives me constant pain. Then I had to get my gallbladder taken out, and I was put on stronger painkillers. I had a real problem with oxycontin, and still do, but I'll get to that soon. I got off of oxycontin after making myself quit cold turkey, which was fucking HORRIBLE. Then about 5 months later my doctor put me back on oxycontin and percaset again for my back. I'm tired of being on painkillers, especially since my mom died from a overdose on percaset. But she's alive, they were able to revive her, but not after suffering severe brain damage. She now has the mentality of a 10 year old, and she still will take painkillers if she knows she can get her hands on them somehow. On Thanksgiving she got into my bags and took some of my percaset. I didnt realize she did this until I had gotten back home and realized my bottle wasnt as full as it shouldve been. This has been fucking with my head quite a bit. I dont know whether to be angry, or disappointed. But I see myself going down the same road that my mom did, only I'd like to think that I'm not stupid enough to overdose on painkillers. It got pretty bad about a month ago, when I went through a months worth of oxycontin and percaset in about a week and a half or 2 weeks. I went through nasty withdrawls again, and I told my doctor to take me off oxycontin, and to just have me on percaset, because I do have to take them for my back. Then the day after Thanksgiving my wife and I were rear ended by someone going 60+mph, while we were at a stand still in heavy traffic. Now I'm back on oxycontin and percaset. But I HAVE to be on it because of how banged up I am. I hate having to be on it, having to rely on it to get me through the day because of the pain. I dont drink, I rarely even do any party drugs anymore, and I cant afford weed right now because of the fucking car accident. I'm just tired of being addicted to them, and it's making me crazy. But it's going to be AT LEAST another 5-6 months before I can even think of stop taking them.

I fucking hate this.