asylum_online | Oct. 2nd, 2008

I've always considered myself to be of an androgynous gender. I have blended male and female traits. My sex is female and that's fine, I suppose. I'm considered 'pretty' so I guess I should be grateful. Maybe. But I hate the way I'm treated. I'm tired of being expected to be weak and to be satisfied with being a second class citizen. I want to be more than a breeder or a secretary. I have a damn good education and it's going to waste because nobody wants to hire me. If I exert myself at all I'm considered an aggressive bitch. The only place I can escape is the SCA where I can dress in full body armor and nobody will treat me differently. I'm just a PERSON not a male or female or intersex or anything else.

And lately the more I think about it the more I think I'd like to be a male. I think it would be easier and better and I'm already bi so what would the difference be? I would be perfectly happy if I had a penis...wouldn't bother me a bit. It doesn't really matter what I have. I just want the freedom that comes with being a man. Women get treated so badly and I'm fucking tired of it! I saw a woman at the court house whose husband kicked her teeth in when they were exchanging the children and they slapped him on the wrist and said they needed a witness to help them exchange the kids. In the paper we blame the rape victims, saying "She was raped" instead of "He raped her". It's always placed on us no matter what. Nobody cares for us. I don't want to be what I was born into because frankly it's terrible.

I don't know what will come out of this but at this moment in time I am thinking that more and more I would like to be a boy. And I am a little worried about it. Not because I am squicked by my own thoughts but because I'm not sure I have the best intentions in my heart, the best reasons for my desired change. I think I'm running away from the real issue at hand and that maybe I should 'man up' so to speak and do something about the predicament. Like maybe help with the third wave. Who knows. I'm so confused about how I feel. I don't think I'd get a surgery but I sure as hell wouldn't mind dressing up and playing as a boy.

If my husband ever found out I think he'd divorce me.