(no subject)

[hang-in-there.livejournal.com]

So work still isn't giving me enough hours; and as if that's not bad enough, i had to call in today and tell them i couldn't come in because I didn't have a ride. my bass was pissed, I could tell... damnit, i just screw up.
I think Evy thinks I'm not trying. He denies it, but he's working so much longer and harder than I am. I always told myself I'd be the responsible one, the one working long hours and keeping food on the table. Damn I feel like a lazy bitch.
I'm always trying to be the "responsible one"; the one who gets her work done, helps others, and everyone likes. In school I always strived for perfection, anything for a good grade and some praise. I enjoyed being called the "responsible one", the one who never got yelled at, the one that the dumber kids were jealous of, I guess the "teacher's pet"... it wasn't that I was trying to kiss ass, I've just always wanted to prove myself, that I can do it, that i'm better.
In work I always go out of my way, even if most of the time no one notices. I live for that praise, that acknoledgement, that I'm kaing a difference, that I'm excelling.
I used to always be that way; I worked every free second of my life, got my schoolwork done, gave it my all. I was always the top employee; the one the superiors adored, the one my coworkers resented but secretly envied and strived to be like but never could. because I have DEDICATION. I work hard even if it doesn't do much... anything to prove my worth, anything to earn my keep.
And now Evan is working his ass off all the time, and most of the time I sit on my ass on LiveJournal. I'm trying to get more hours, i'm trying to get other jobs. i swear I am.
It doesn't help that I've been really tired lately. I guess I'm losing weight; and becoming more pale and weak, according to Evan. I am anemic and I have circulation problems, so i get cold easily and its difficult for my body to heat itself.
I've always suspected I've had health problems. I used to be such a hypochondriac, but I eventually just gave up trying; gave up worrying. if i'm sick, i'm sick, and I'm just going to ignore it and work through it. I just see myself as sort of sickly and weak... but I always try to be strong and tough, and not let anyone except my loved ones see me when I'm down.