I hate this life

[raven-wyld.livejournal.com]

I’m going into another spiral of depression.
I’m thinking of going to the doctors and going back onto the medication. I just hate life at the moment. I feel like there is a vacuum inside me and its sucking me into myself, all my insides are hollow.

Have you ever had a near death experience?
You panic for a second, then everything is still, and you sort of smile and think ‘so this is how it happens’, and everything is ok. Of course, though, when you are saved or whatever, you are relieved, but deep inside I always feel a bit disappointed…

See its not that I want to kill myself, but that’s not to say I don’t want to die. I know, you probably don’t know what I mean…

I feel so sad that it is making me physically sick, I lay in bed curled in the foetal position, just waiting for it all to end. I hate this. I just want to lay in the dark and not bother with work and all that crap. Its all so pointless.

I hate that I was finally happy, loving life, having friends (for once!), and finally liking what I’m doing in life. Then some tosser can just come along and shatter all that, making rash assessments about the worth of my life, with out even knowing me. I mean, where in the 2 brief times I’d met him could he have all of a sudden summed up my whole personality and lifestyle? I hate it so much.

I get so frustrated, like, I was at shots talking to a friend, and he said he didn’t agree that I was a slut, and that was nice, but he kept saying it every 10 minutes and then retaliating like I was about to hit him. Okay, so firstly, what has made him thing of me as violent, and two, if he is being nice why would he think id be so irrational to take it out on him?

people suck!

Anyway, On Friday I went to work drinks, it was pretty shit. every one was just talking about law school, and I was the only receptionist there, every one else was a lawyer, so I felt a bit out of place. I left early and went to see Steve, and vented my hurt at the comments I received to my previous post.

Saturday, I got up and we got a trailer and moved most of my belongings from my mums place, then I went to a 40th. At night I went to shots, ended up hurting a bit. Does Jason want to know why I’m not in a love relationship? if he asks you or comments on it, tell him that I have come to have low expectations of men, as I have been abused or neglected by every man I have known, with the exception of Jon. And they continue to prove my judgments right. And I do love people, I just haven’t loved any one as a whole life commitment thing yet. I love lots, I love my family, I love my friends, why must I love a man to be a good and decent person? Its irrational.

my brain is buzzing a million miles per hour, its always the worst when I think to much.

People always think I am stupid, shallow and vain, what they don’t realise is I am a thinker, I think so much and about everything, that’s why when I give advice I will either give good advice I have thought about and observed and stuff, or I will refrain from giving advice if I don’t know much about it.

People just don’t quite get me, its interesting to see that people think they have me pegged but they are way off.

Am a worthwhile? I sometimes wonder. If I were who I see myself as, maybe people would like me more, but they don’t, so maybe I am not who I thought I was, but instead I’m what they see me as…

I’m whole self image is a bit shattered.

What the hell am I doing?! I am working a job I hate, And I’m keeping stuff on the inside I just want to scream.

And even if I were to fall in love with someone, the only people I have started to feel that way about, have ended up really weird, like if they get a girlfriend or if they don’t notice, But the whole point is I don’t want to be ‘in love’ right now. I broke up with Jon after 3 years of love, we were so going to settle down, but its not what I wanted yet. I feel bad for Jon, he still loves me… But isn’t this, then, explanation for why I’m not really ready to be all in love again just yet? see Jason had no idea what I’ve been through in my life, and that’s why I’m so angry, eve been called names before, but that he made such matter of fact judgments about me without any proof or background story, its makes me so mad! how dare he sum me up in that manner.

Sometimes I wish my mum had had an abortion.

At least I am not living with mum any more, this breakdown would have been critical with her there. Away from here I am healthier, I don’t self harm any more, and I’m not on medication at the moment. Its all just so crappy…

I feel like crying every second of the day, I’m so lonely, but NOT because I’m not in a relationship, simply because I like people, and I feel so isolated, none of my friends live near me.

Dou you ever get that feeling, when your in a crowd, but you feel like your on a desert island? like they aren’t actually there and its all in your head… That’s how I feel.

I get these delusions that people are my friends, but then I’m proven wrong and they would just as soon never see me again. I hate humans. I hate my life, I hate myself, and I hate hate hate people who make me feel worse about myself and my life then I need to.

I am not my skin, and I am not always the words I say, the things I do or the clothes I wear. I am my thoughts and my feelings and my soul, but the sad thing about that is, no one can hear my thoughts or understand my feelings or ever see my soul, so They will continue to make off the mark assessments of me and never really know me.

I’m not a bad person, I’m not, I am a good and loving person, I am so loving that I make friends quickly, I will make presents and cards for people just because they look blue, I will hug whoever needs it and id never make horrible un true comments about people who don’t deserve it. Even people I dislike, I feel bad saying anything against them.

Like Jason, he hurt me more then any one has for years, but I still feel sorry for him. His behaviour is going to make him lonely and I don’t wish that on anyone.

I’m just so alone and things are not as I want them.