Take 4

[compelled2die.livejournal.com]

Had a session today.


This time it was in Renfrew.
Which sucks because I really wanted to go to Ottawa. Whatever.

I meet 'Larry' a smily man in his 40's. Moustache, belly, glasses. Classic.

I don't remember much. I kind of blocked it. Dr, Fuckface kept talking and going on and on and on. I couldn'd hear. 
I wanted a smoke.
I wanted to scream.
I wanted to die.

He suggested some med, seriquom? Anti-psychotic.
I told him those make me crazy. That even though I'm NOT bipolar or schozophranic, they heighten the symptoms.
He told me that that just doesn't happen.
I asked him if it was a coincidence that about four weeks after taking zyprexa, I started hearing and seeing things and that when I abruptly 'quit' (By taking a bottle of them, and prozac, and anything else I could get my greedy hands on) the symptoms stopped.
He told me that just doesn't happen.

This is the part I do remember.

"There is nothing we can do for your depression. You just have to live with it. Because you have borderline split personality disorder, any med we put you on, will not work.
In your psychiarty test, you rated too high on anxiety And depression And suicidal tendencies And anorexia And mood swings. I guess your just like that but since you still manege to make it through the days, we can't do much."


This is what I thought.

"There is nothing we can do for your depression. I can't live like this. You just have to live with it. I can't anymore. It's too fucking hard. Because you have borderline split personality disorder, any med we put you on, will not work. Fuck
In your psychiarty test, you rated too high on anxiety And depression And suicidal tendencies And anorexia And mood swings. Then FUCKING HELP YOU STUPID MOTHER FUCKER. WHY THE FUCK DO I COME HERE TIME AFTER TIME IF YOU CAN'T DO FUCK ALL. FUCK YOU. I guess your just like that Yeah. I'm just BORN fucking crazy. This is me. In all my crazy goodness. Fuck. but since you still manege to make it through the days, Like hell I do we can't do much."

Jesus fucking Christ.



I love how I'm too crazy. I'm too depressed and anorexic and all that musical jazz to exist yet I do.
I love how half the people see me and think that I'm normal but I guess that since I've been depressed (and now chronically! Yay!!!) since I was nine (when Maeve and Claire left) I've learned to fake it.