asylum_online | short, disjointed thoughts on my fiancee's death (Reply)

I am surprised to find that my love can turn to hate - not hatred of the person, but hatred of the world. Love is everything to me, my love is my whole entire soul. Think what that means in such a situation. I am turning into Darth Vader now, filled with darkness and pain and rage at life. I imagined a connection this deep would give me a sense of peace, and even a sense of contentment, that I experienced it, even though it was lost. That's how I always imagined it would be to lose my soulmate. And I did feel that a bit in the beginning. But emotions shift and morph. Of course, I never imagined it would go like this, or that we would never even get to live together, that our time together would be so short. It never occurred to me that life afterwards would literally feel like a punishment or a curse.

I realize now that for certain people, loving someone too much and losing them can turn into something hard and immobile that never lets go and hates everything around it. I am bitter now - snappish, angry, even disdainful. I don't think I'll ever be myself again, and I really liked that person, troubles and all.

We always said that together we formed a greater entity than the two of us alone, something neither of us had ever imagined. So I guess you could say I feel dramatically reduced now. We always dreamed of the life we could have, the things we could do....we were such a force, together.

When your love is your whole soul, that is dangerous.

I am crazy now, crazy with grief. It isn't pretty or graceful. And I don't want it to end. I want to hold it to me forever, like I held onto our connection...because it's all I have of him, and I can't lose that. I hate this iron part of my soul, that warrior part that hangs on to the things I want like a pitbull. I have too much strength. Strength of passion. Strength of determination. Strength of will. A hard strength that can destroy. I have always known this was who I am, this *love is everything*/*victory or death* hardness that the rest of my self radiates from. I just never knew it would turn this way. I didn't know it would be like this. I thought I would be graceful in loss, but I was so wrong.