(no subject)

[krazyside.livejournal.com]

I've basically decided that I'm probably no longer going to be friends with someone I know because they have, for no apparent reason, quit having anything to do with me. I just don't seem important to this individual. I've been taking it one day at a time and I'm coming to the conclusion that I've just been pwnd by a pathological narcissist.

It's always the cool kids who are the biggest wankers in my experience. The people I looked up to have always let me down in the end - their charm was the one red flag I could not resist. Everyone else is so boring, so I end up in a situation where the only people I can rely on are the most boring, annoying people that I don't actually want around me, while the ones I like... either dramatically reject me or mysteriously dissapear after a few months to a year, probably because they've found someone else to adore them who asks for even less in return than I do.

What gets to me though, is that I wasn't adoring her any less - it's just like they got bored of me and tossed me away like a wad of gum that had lost its flavour. It was so casual, the texts just dried up, the excuses and the horseshit replaced the earnest friendliness. And that's when I realised - I'm nothing to this person, and never was. Just another piece of food to be hoovered up and stuffed down their gullet. Human smack for a personality addict, some kind of monster out of William Burroughs. And now they've gone away because that's what these people do when they've finished using you, they toss the dried up husk away and move on to pastures new. God I hate her, but not as much as I hate myself. You see, this keeps happening. She has to be something like the ninth or tenth one of these things I've encountered and been fooled by, easily. I only seem able to have close relationships with these bastards... and I HATE myself for it.

I'm resigned to being alone in the world now, and this is frightening. I want to go and live underground, like the homeless people in America. Just burrow into the earth like a hibernating mammal and stay there forever.