The perfect drug.

[fitche.livejournal.com]

I talked to her this past weekend.
We both know we shouldn't have. I can't help it though.
I know I can move on and live with out her but I don't want to.
Her voice, Her smile, Her laugh. All of her the good and the bad.
She is my perfect drug.

I have dreams of saving her but I don't. She refuses me because of her obligation.
I don't have insomnia but I have it when she does. I couldn't sleep at all last night.
I have no one to talk to about her. I know I should let it be but I can't control it.

Will this ever end?

dear boy,

[boymeetslove.livejournal.com]

i know i messed up last year. and i understand if you never want to speak to me again. but last week..
last week we made eye contact for just a second. and that second was all the world. i was suddenly filled with hope that maybe we still have a chance. please tell me you felt the same way when this happened. 
our last homecoming is in two weeks. let me make up for last year.

Damn...

[koukan.livejournal.com]

Oh God. Oh God. Oh God. Shit. I just broke up with my bf last week. Today we had a class. The seating arrangement was pretty much set. Since we're coming close to the end of the term, I keep telling myself that I had to endure this for this week and the next and I'll be free.

But dammit. I can't sit next to him and be fine. Everyone asks me if I'm fine, if I'm okay. But damn damn. I always bring pins and cutter to class. It's a necessity for me. But shit, I didn't know it was going to become this kind of necessity. I steeled myself. I didn't look at him for the first one and a half hour and he was beside me! I kept looking at our professor. But I took out my pin and hid it beneath my handkerchief and would poke my fingers. At first I would just poke it enough to bruise and to hurt. But soon I kept pushing it enough to break skin. It made me forget he was sitting beside me.

I would think to myself, enough enough. But I was secretly pulling out the blade of my cutter. When it was nearing the break I thought to myself that I would take the blade and go to the restroom and find a stall and cut there. Then two of my friends asked me if I wanted to go out for the break. I thought I was free. I really didn't want to do what I was thinking of doing.

But when I sat back in class and nobody was still seating anywhere near me, I took out the blade and hid it in my handkerchief. I kept slicing and slicing, just little slices so that nobody would know the difference. I'd see the blood and I'd get nervous because my ex's sitting to my right and my prof is in front of me. But I couldn't stop. I just couldn't stop. I kept thinking that next time I'll bring a razor blade to class.

I'm fine at home. I don't have to see him. It doesn't hurt me when I'm away from him, I can deal without it. But I fear doing this again. This is the first time I've done this. But if I see him again, I know I'm going to cut. Again and again. If only so I wouldn't have to think about him again. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. I kept thinking I'll substitute one pain for another. but shit.

How odd

[dissociatedmind.livejournal.com]

For the first time in who knows how many years, I feel sane!
This is such an oddity... I've known mental instability and dissociation for so long, I can't believe that I feel this way!
I LOVE IT.

I think it's partly because I met a boy... a wonderful, absolutely breathtaking boy.
He loves me too ^_^

The only problem is that even though I feel happy for the first time in AGES, I can't shake my drug habits even though I want to.
I fear that if I don't stop, I'll get thrown back into the hole; the very place I made home for the last part of my life.

I CAN'T DO IT.
Fuck you Ketamine & Weed, FUCK YOU!
LEAVE ME ALONE!