(no subject)

[dreadsmile.livejournal.com]

The.. unfairness. The subliminal jealousy - that's.., that's the best way to describe it. Oh it's so difficult to shake!
Do you know what I mean? Do you have an idea, can you picture it?

An unfairness of the kind that makes you grind your teeth and bite you lips, until there's water in your eyes.
What's the root, of it, I ask.
Tell me, you bunch of crazy people, you!

Ego?

That's how it goes. You serve, you work so hard, you bite your fucking lips until it's all blood, and aaall for nothing. In the end you don't even have the resolve to go and demand what's rightfully yours.



But is it, really? Imagine, you don't really want it. You *know* you don't want it. The zen side of you murmurs in your ear - "relax, let go, you're above that, you're a pure soul!.." - but the Ego! Oooh it gnaws upon you like a starving hound. Like a leech it's hacked its teeth into your soul, and it leeches, leeches, sucks away the peace, the balance, what little you had.

And then you're hurt, outwitted, outbid, conned, a curly ball of nerves, a galore of ugly issues.
How long will this fight last, I ask. I can't take it no more.

(no subject)

[cantseethrume.livejournal.com]

this may sound a bit strange..

but do any of you know any movies that are about mental girls..physcotic.. girls with mental illness' ..
im in such the mood to watch a movie based on something i can relate to. anything except girl interrupted. already seen that haa.

Collecting dust in the back ward...

[asshole23.livejournal.com]

...I heard the steps coming from down the hallway -it was no major matter.  I hear steps often.  Usually I am more concerned the steps hearing me, because if something that is caused can hear what is silent besides significant interior wailing ...problematic escalation of fear follows.  All along the corridor, the steps seem to dance.  First they are distant, then right behind me, then dancing -I specifically recall something similar to tap dancing set to vulgar Celtic tunes.  Roughly ten minutes has gone by, and I am still hearing the walking of a mysterious disembodied foot -or, if it suits the imagination, feet.
  It may be immature to suggest that the repeated clicking on the wood floor must belong to somebody, but this is how it seems to me.  I can vaugely recall a time when all steps had to be taken either by persons walking or running in the vicinity of my ears or by animals -cats with bells around there neck amplify and accent the steps taken.  For the past several years at least I have been residing in a wing of a state hospital known as "The Keepers" wing...  My legal guardian in a previous lifetime always said I was a keeper.  The entitled feeling of specialness has spilled over into my problem solving strategies; namely, since I feel as if I am right, it must be so.  Therefore, I feel steps belong to feet which belong to either man or beast -the only snag in my thinking is that I haven't seen a person in ages -Nor can I signify a terminal point in the sound, just distances and patterns. 
  Until evidence demonstrates otherwise the steps will be from my still missing ex-husband, he would always walk all over me when we were together and it is just as easy to picture him as the step taker in my imagination as it would be to perceive a staff worker or doctor.  No major catastrophe, existing in uncertainty... I can manage.

(no subject)

[koukan.livejournal.com]

When my boyfriend asks me, "how does it feel to be in love?" and he asks me with that stupid smile as if he had solved world hunger or something great, I wince inwardly but give a big smile and say "happy". He says my eyes are really expressive and shows that I really love him, but he asks me "that's it?". The truth is I don't feel anything. I winced not because I don't love him, I honestly think I do otherwise I'd never had let him become my boyfriend, but because I can't bring myself to care. I don't really care for him, for love, for my family, for my friends, for anybody or for anything. Oh, but I'm glad at least that I am able to pretend otherwise. It gives me some sort of satisfaction that I am able to fool everyone so easily with a big smile. Sometimes, humans can be the stupidest creatures on the planet. They see a person smile, and they think all is well. They're like big idiots, so easily fooled, so easily manipulated, so disgusting.

(no subject)

[her-disease.livejournal.com]

I have such twisted sense of reality. I have to-- how else would I explain this:

I'm in a relationship I know will fuck out at some point. I have put everything I have into it. I am bored.Discontent. Drunk and ill. I have rationalized putting myself out there by accepting that I have no interest, no desire to fight or survive.In college I am failing. Family has stopped being important.Friends are inconsequential.I can't function-getting out of bed is so much effort sometimes that I want to scream. I've stopped eating.It is pitiful and weak.But makes sense. I have no will to get out of this.I have succeeded in letting go of everything that was ever important or made a difference.

I want help.But I'm terrified.

(no subject)

[unusualbabygirl.livejournal.com]

i miss having penpals :0(
oh well..

has anyone else every had penpals?