(no subject)

[ellie-lawl-7.livejournal.com]

why cant people understand that when they ((overly)) ask about my molestations... that I DONT WANNA TALK ABOUT IT?!!!
I told one of my friends the other day... and he kept asking what happened, who all did it, blah blah blah... which sent me into a majorly depressive state. Now I cant stop thinking about it. The only person I've ever really felt comfortable telling was my fiance, Matt.
I've been molested 3 times. By my two cousins and my own brother. When I tell people about my brother, they always dont believe me, and they say things like "well, he's younger than you, couldnt you have done something?" or "that cant be true, he is younger than you!"
why cant they just believe me???
Seriously, why would I make some shit like this up? I would never make something like this up, cos even though he did those things to me, I still love my brother. Even though him always wanting hugs reminds me of it, and makes me wanna rip off his balls...
:(( people cant understand anything anymore. And everytime I try to forget about all of this ((its greatly affecting my relationship, btw)) I cant forget it for awhile, and by the time I've almost completely forgot, someone asks about it.

This is very depressing. I dont want any affection anymore. I dont want anyone to touch me. I still have nightmares, and the thing with my brother happened when I was in kindergarden. with my two older cousins ((who are brother and sister)) it happened 6-7-8th grade.
I want to forget!!!!!!!

The mind of an OCPD patient

[rue42.livejournal.com]

Sometimes is never quite enough
If I'm flawless, then I'll win your love
Can't forget to win first place
Can't forget to keep that smile on my face

Be a good girl
Try a little harder
I've got to measure up
And make you prouder

How long before I screw it up
How many times do you have to tell me to hurry up
With everything you do for me
The least I can do is keep quiet

Be a good girl
I've gotta try a little harder
That simply wasn't good enough
To make them proud

You'll live through me
You'll make me what you never were
If I'm the best, then maybe so are you
You're doing this for my own damn good
I'll make up for what you blew
So what's the problem...why am I crying?

Be a good girl
Push a little farther now
That wasn't fast enough
To make them happy

They'll love me just the way I am
If I'm perfect