Close your eyes and I'll close mine

[rue42.livejournal.com]

I don't know how this happened. It started with the hope of help, your offer of understanding and patience. You knew what I was going through, your life had been so difficult. And I was so impressed by you, having made it through a strong person. I wanted to be that way too.


I quickly found out how intelligent you were. My wonder grew. We shared the same faith, the same philosophy, and I found myself dying to talk to you more and more. Our first six hour phone conversation and all I could think of was how amazing you really were, and for days I couldn't get you out of my head.

When I told you the most intimate desires of my heart, non-sexual but full of devotion and love, you not only listened, but truly grasped my intent. No one else ever has, and no one else ever will. I was...ecstatic. I no longer felt alone. Someone really and truly understood me, appreciated me for that which I feel is my most important asset - my mind.

Thus began a wonderful, blissful friendship, full of discovery and awe as we realized just how it felt to find a kindred spirit in the world. You of course, having found others on your own, had possibly lived through such an experience before. I had not. I still like to think it was special for you, that I made you feel half as good as you made me feel.

Eventually we realized we wanted one another. And it was hard, so hard. I was and continue to be...indisposed. My life is so screwed up right now and you are finally comfortable in your own skin. Who am I to burden you? You deserve so much more than to wait on a maybe. I owe you nothing. You should be out enjoying your life, and we both know pining is so unhealthy. But we do it anyway.

And every night I look forward to your voice, your laughter, the way you make me feel special. You're like a drug to me, and I know you feel the same. I can't get enough of you. I love you for your flaws, and I see only perfection in your heart. We are so close to the end of our journey and sometimes, dare I believe, we are meant to make it together. Your soul is like mine...

And here we are. I am stuck in my old life with my old obligations even as I yearn for you. You are trying to move on, see people, live the life you want and need. We've contemplated not speaking, which would be the smart thing to do. We are logical enough to resist temptation...for now. But we certainly can't stop speaking. The idea alone is enough to make my heart break.

So we'll take this one day at a time. I hope we figure this all out, and soon. The limbo is rough and I imagine you feel the same strain. I want to thank you for all you've done for me, for the help you've provided in every way. I am so glad to know you, to know someone like you exists. I want you here for always, a part of my life, no matter what role you end up playing. I am grateful for you.