(no subject)

[breatheinoregon.livejournal.com]

Typically I feel disconnected from myself. I don't look familiar in the mirror, even though I know it's myself. It's like I remembering everything because that's the way it's always been; I was Deborah yesterday so I must be Deborah today even though the name has no connection to me and looks foreign. The world feels fake and I feel fake. And I experience that pretty constantly, with varying degrees, depending on the circumstances.

But lately its gotten so much worse. I feel like I can barely remember the moment prior. Everything is hazy, flat, dream-like. With work I can remember, but without forced recall, I have no past. All I feel is emotion and then sometimes I'm numb; sometimes I panic for no reason why--my heart will start racing and my head will hurt with heightened emotion, but I don't really know what's wrong. Everything is a contradiction--I think my body is numb, even though I know I can still feel it, the world is disjointed and distant and yet it feels like everything is too close and too large.

Just before I felt this way, I had begun to remember more of my childhood. In the emotional sense; memories that I always had I started to remember how they felt and that they were real. Usually I relate an experience with no emotional connectivity and sometimes no visual memory of it--I just know it happened. But I was starting to remember, really remember and things that I had forgotten were coming back as well. And then...this.

I had thought maybe I still am remembering...that perhaps one part of me was trying and is remembering while the other is saying, "No, you're not ready for that" and shutting my mind down. At one point it felt like the part of my brain that was remembering was telling the part of my brain that wasn't, "Hey, over here I'm living in the past; I think I'm a child right now and that everything from the past is still occurring" and the other part is responding to that by hiding it all from me....as strange as that might sound. Something is split it feels like, and it frustrates me because I just want an awareness to accompany my actions...I want to know what I"m saying, what I'm doing, but I feel like I'm functioning without actually knowing any of that. I've had moments where I've even been afraid that the reality I think is currently happening is not the reality that's actually taking place, because I feel so distant from everything.

All this to ask, is that possible? That part of me is remembering and the other part, the conscious part, is hiding that from me?

x-posted to in_silent_decay 

Hello...

[nightingalesong.livejournal.com]

Hi, I'm Kat. I'm 25, and I've been awarded the "Bipolar" and "Borderline Personality Disorder" labels.
I'm currently taking Zoloft (200mg) and Lithicarb (Lithium) twice daily. I....sometimes wonder what the point is. I've been admitted to a ward twice, both for self-harm and suicide attempts...I can't say I really enjoyed my stay, as...What is the point if some stranger is going to analyse me and try to tell me that my issues come from childhood trauma that they know nothing about. I realise I probably sound quite angry, but I'm not. I suppose I'm tired. Tired of trying, tired of fighting. It's getting harder and harder again to get up in the mornings. My weight, my life, ly self-harm-everything seems to be going into chaos state. Flashbacks. Emotions I can't name, let alone deal with, recognise. Insomnia. Watching clocks tick-tock. Losing the hours, even when I *know* I've been watching the clock-hands. They didn't move. I was watching them. And yet, still, I lose hours. And it really does scare me. I had hope my meds would help.

But I think I'm going to like my stay here. I feel....relief at finding this community. Offered solace. It's nice to meet you all. :)