*headdesk*

[rue42.livejournal.com]

Today I freaked out and screamed at a friend/employee for something that wasn't his fault. He was so taken aback that I started crying in shame. He's never seen me do either so he was absolutely flabbergasted. I don't blame him at all. I'm sure he thinks I'm insane now. Me, the responsible, orderly one. The one who is always 10 minutes early, always works through breaks, and always tries to keep everyone in line.

This job is just too much for me anymore. The EXA will not stop making snide remarks and it's damaging my ability to enter district. At this point I don't even care. He leaves me so much extra work and if I don't complete it he tells the boss I am lazy. No justification, just comments, spoken in the right ears at just the right time. Then it gets back to me later when the boss asks me why I'm not doing enough. I work 12 hours straight, no breaks. By law I am required a minimum of 3 ten minute breaks and a 30 minute lunch but I skip them and run around like a little chicken with my head cut off to get my work done. The lists keep getting longer and I'm getting less and less sleep.

I'm starting to have fantasies of taking my .22 and putting a bullet in his head while he sleeps. Obviously I'm going insane. I need to get out, NOW. But I'm the only one making money and nowhere else is hiring for 40k a year in this poverty trap of a town. I can't make a penny less than I'm making if I want to make the house and car payments.

I feel so trapped.

love is the movement

[goaskjennifer.livejournal.com]

so, a little about the last month or so. Yes, I know, I havent been on here to make some updates but i jsut needed a space and i have been on messenger if you needed to get ahold of me. and also, been talking to some people from in here. ha! maybe it was a good thing that i joined this group..anyways, so, i started a new job working with clients who are in abusive relationships and want to get out, or who have mental illnesses. and so, last monday i was talking to one of the clients and she was all like well, my head hurts, and i was like ok, what can i do for you and she just wanted to talk and i sat there and listened. she threw her arm as if she was gonna swing at me. I get out of the way and was whatever, nothing else is going to happen. well, guess what? she tried to get me again and she did. she fucking grabbed a chunk of my hair. not just a few strands but enough to hurt, and so, she kept pulling my hair and she pulled out a nice chunk to make me bleed and have a bald spot. and also, me and here were both on the ground and she kicked me! not in the legs, not in the stomach, but in the head and i ended up going to urgent care. and its not that i'm mad that she did this. but because all of this could of been preventive, if i knew what the fuck i was doing, when someone has a damn behaviour.

ok that was about work. but now about me. I want to cut sooo badly. i hate havving people telling me what to do. its annoying. i just want to release and just bleed. i want it. so, baddddd. i want to be able to say that to someone and not have that person say anything. my brain is dying. i want to get into a wreck. oh well...live, learn, and love.