Whoa... Reality Check

[tankgirl2481.livejournal.com]

What the fuck am I doing?

I just looked back into my journal and I realize the horrible inconsistency of it all!
I should stick my ground, not go over his house and claim my stack in a real life.
No warhammer perhaps.
I'm brainstorming here. (It's 4am)
We always see each other online because of World of Warcraft... but now he and most my other friends are moving over to Warhammer. I don't really want to go but I am because of all the other people that are transferring over.
But but but!!! This would be a perfect opportunity to stay away from him!
I would just have to work on saying 'no' to him when he calls me to hang out at his house.
I have to think up some lowsy lame excuses for not playing Warhammer...
Yes yes this could work!

Cons:
-I really like him (I have no fucking idea why)
-It feels like he only wants me for sex... there really isn't any physical affection otherwise
-He doesn't like it when I talk to him about anything that's bothering me (he says it pressures him horribly)
-We don't seem like a very good 'match' (I'm talkative and he never talks, I love affection and he's not affectionate, I need someone to console me and he doesn't like consoling me)
-What the hell is this con list for exactly?
Anyway... If I don't get Warhammer I'll have to force myself out of this habit and routine I've unwillingly established.
I will have to go back to WoW or reading... I just bought a few new Orson Scott Cards books! I think I'm going to do it.
If there is any luck anyone could give me in this endeavor I would greatly appreciate it.

Sorry for the long post.

The living world

[bubblegumsleaze.livejournal.com]

There's an old woman on the sidewalk down at street level, outside my house.  Everything she does is a study in deliberation. Slow. Concentrated. Focused.
She's wearing a coat, beautiful and old but much too hot for night like tonight.
Clothing is too hote for a night like tonight.
It's beautiful. Lace, velvet, heavy intricate tapestry, antique.
The whole thing's faded to the non color of great age, but when she moves just right some of the gold still shows through.
I wonder where she's going, what she's doing, what it's like to be in her head. What's it like to be old? What's it like to be that old, with the weight of all those years behind you? How much wisdom has she collected over her lifetime that nobody has the patience anymore to listen to? What's it like to be her? 
Why isn't she afraid? The old people here are not afraid. They move slowly, they move deliberately, they walk around all day, all night, and you never see them hurrying, looking behind them, jumping at shadows. They just have no fear of their fellow man.
I wonder why that is? Will I have that when I'm that old?  Will I lose that when I'm that old? Will I ever be that old?
I wonder how long she's had that coat. And I wonder why she's wearing it tonight, when it's so hot.
I want to call down to her, just say hello. But how weird would it be for some guy to just holler down from his balcony to some ancient woman on the sidewalk?
I want to talk to her though. I want to talk to her. I want to ask her where she's from, what she's seen, what she's learned. I want to say to her "Tell me what you know!"
But mostly I want to know where she got that coat.

What is this fanbox shit??

[bubblegumsleaze.livejournal.com]

And how do I make it go away?