Please, somebody, ask. I'm tired.

[bubblegumsleaze.livejournal.com]

Never mind the title. It's a joke. One of my friends was just saying he forgets to update his lj and then suddenly gets half a million nudges from people telling him to update. He posts things like "Ok Ok, shut up already!"
Hah. I told him I can go a year without a word and nobody will say a thing about it.

So, I live in New Orleans, as many of you know. Aaaand....a really big storm had us in it's sights for most of the last couple of weeks, as many of you must know if you are in any way connected to the outside world.   Of course everyone knows that the last big storm here pretty much wiped the place out, so everyone was pretty upset about this one. Would it hit us? Would the levees hold? Would everyone be ok?

I went out with a couple of friends the day before the storm, and both of their cells were beeping like crazy because everyone they'd ever known was asking them what they were doing. Staying? Leaving? Where were they going?
I keep remembering a time when people would have been all over me like that. I  keep wondering what happened. When did I go from someone loved to someone forgotten?

My sister's here with me, so she didn't have to ask about me. But nobody did. Nobody. Not my family or my friends back home or my online friends. I didn't get a single word from anyone.
So maybe it's time to call it a day on here, huh? I mean why keep talking if nobody's listening? Maybe it's time for it to be over and done with, time to move it on to it's next logical progression. The online stuff anyway.

I don't quite think I'm ready to call my life a day and move it on just because nobody called me or emailed me or texted me  to find out what I was doing in a storm. Or called me to find out if I left or stayed. Or was back home. Or had survived it.  It does give one pause, though, doesn't it.

Even the people who no longer read my journal have my email.

So I guess, given that I've compared notes with a number of people, all of whom have spent the last week in incessant and excessive communication with everyone they know, even people they'd forgotten they know, over this storm and their safety, while I've had not one single remark about it from anyone, that's a fairly clear indication that it's not just delusion on my part that nobody's really that interested in me anymore.

I feel bad about it, but not for the reasons most people would probably think. I feel bad because when I was insane and unstable and sick, when my life was constantly on the edge of over, people loved me.
Now that I'm really living, now that my death sentence has been revoked, people don't love me anymore. Now that I have a life to share with them, and the actual ability now to do it, I've lost my appeal and they don't want to have anything to do with me anymore.

I can't lie really, I can't blow it off and say "it's just the internet" because it's more than that to me. It's more than that. It's people who once talked to me, and who once listened. It's people who sat up with me on bad nights, and who I sat up with on their bad nights. It's people who I'd like to think would at the very very very least be somewhat slightly interested in if I lived or died in the first big storm slated to hit the coast since Katrina.
Of course it really didnt turn out to be all that, but bad things did happen and people did die. I wasn't one of them, but my happiness in that is somewhat tainted by the knowledge that nobody really gave a damn, other than myself and Cyri.
Even Sherbear didn't ask and she's one of the few who still talks to me all the time. Of course she was busy too but still.

So, even though nobody asked and it's clear nobody gives a shit, here's what we did. When the city ordered us to get out, we didnt go. I couldnt face the idea of being on a bus to nowhere for an indeterminate amount of time with all of my issues and all of my medications. We don't drive so public evac was our only option. So we stayed here at my house. It's in the quarter and the quarter never floods. Unfortunately we did lose power for  a couple of days but it's not like we really needed it.
We were fine.

In other unasked for and unwanted news, I've been better.
Big big problems lately with seizures and it's not a VNS malfunction, it's just me. Banged up a lot, tired a lot, sick a lot. Not really worried though because these flurries come and go. It came, it'll go.
Increasing problem with weird thinking, which of course is directly related to the seizures, since they make me throw up and that means that depending on when they happen they can interfere with how much of my meds actually gets where they're going or ends up in a puddle on the floor.

It'll all work itself out at the same time.

I'm tired though, and emotional junk. I want to just go find Pat or Zack and just let this all go. I can't do that because they don't exist anymore. Cyri asked me, when I told her that the other night, why I needed any specific people to go meltdown at. She said 'Can't you do that just as easy by yourself? or with me? Or with Janey?' and I had no answer for her. Well I did,  and that answer was "No." I don't want to put anything on Cyri, god knows i've put enough on her, and I barely know Janey.

And me?
I don't trust  myself enough to let my guard down with me.