i hate this shit

[here-eternity.livejournal.com]

INTERRUPTION - I really want to join this community and wanted to fill out the app at the nurse_station lj but the link from the info page isn't working!! could someone help me? thanks.

--
i'm so sick of myself.

so i saw a new psychiatrist today.

previous regimen:
-1 mg klonopin
-40 mg prozac
-15 mg remeron
-100 mg wellbutrin

new regimen:
-1 mg klonopin
-25 mg zoloft (good fucking luck..)
-7.5 mg remeron
-50 mg seroquel, HAHA i'm psycho

.......................................

i really hope this new combination fucking does something.

and i'm not posting a picture of myself today because i've realized that all of the damn pictures of myself are of me smiling and looking like i am very happy and very sane, when that is so far from the truth.

i hate myself. i just want this all to fucking end. one of the reasons that i would like to kill myself is that i am so paranoid that everyone hates me and that i am going to fuck everything up. ie. "the good times are killing me" literally. but the twisted irony is that because i care so much about other people and their opinion of me is that i CAN'T commit suicide because then they'd be mad and surprised at me.

i fucking hate this. i want to go into a cave and be alone and make the world forget who i am and if i ever existed and just fucking hang myself and end my whole miserable life there.

i wonder if i can ever be cured. i'm so sick on the inside, and i don't even know of people who really recover. i've seen a really good therapist and been to harvard-trained psychiatrists, but i still want to die. what the fuck is wrong with me huh?! i hate this i hate this i hate this.

and none of my friends have any clue about who the fuck i am and how terrible i feel inside. when i confided in one of my friends that i was depressed and wanted to die, they were horrified. and then they thought i'd be ok a month later. no. fuck no. i'll probably never be ok. nothing works on me, no therapy, no meds, nothing.  so i put up a facade that i'm totally ok and i'm "recovering" and feeling so much better and i love life!!!!

i'd love to be honest. oh i really would. but when i was honest with someone about how terrible i feel and how it consistently cannot change and FUCK YOU believe me I really am trying --- i fucking scared them off and they never talked to me again coz i was bringing them down with myself.

i just want to hurt myself and die. i wish some fucking serial killer or drunk driver would drive into me and kill me or fucking something.

recovery is a far and distant dream. good luck to all you lost souls out there.

ps.  my main diagnoses are apparently PTSD, depression, anxiety. probably some other shit. i hate my mind.

why do people who have mental illnesses reproduce? why would they SPREAD THIS FUCKING CURSE? goddamn i am never going to reproduce.

welcome to hell.