I didn't know where to post this, and then I remembered _asylum_

[myownincubus.livejournal.com]

I haven't posted in such a long time, I wonder if any of you even remember me here. I used to be Nurse Lizbeth, but now I'm just another inmate with another broken heart and suicidal thoughts. I usually don't do these  drama-filled posts, but I had to let it out somewhere. As little as it helps. 
Paramore has stolen the words right from my heart tonight, by surprise.

 

( Never Let this Go by Paramore lyrics )

I don't know what to do about him. I know we should break up, that that would be best, because neither of us will ever be able to fully trust the other one. This is breaking my heart into a million pieces just thinking it through. He has broken up with me a total of four times over the span of sixteen months. He thinks we are okay right now, he doesn't know my mind has been running wild again and doubting everything he says and does after learning he has lied to me again. So if I wanted, if I could, I could just pretend nothing was wrong. I could forget everything.
Except when I'm away from him (it is a long-distance relationship to top it off) my mind does this to me... now my mind is telling me "He has gone back to his old ways." You see, at the beginning of our relationship, he treated me like shit. Feeling bad about myself, I figured I deserved it and nothing better. I've grown up in these sixteen months and expect better for myself now. I want better for myself. But my heart is completely in love with him, COMPLETELY, and I know I would just cry for months without him. I don't feel complete without him, and I want to spend the rest of my life with him. And he says he feels the same, and when I'm with him, I believe him (because I want to), but when I'm not with him, this is what happens. My mind wanders around and around until I'm doubting every kiss, every held moment.
If I were still a cutter, my arm would be a mess right now. But no, I no longer have a release for these feelings.
They get in my mind, making me want to end it all.
If no one wants me, what is the point of it all?