yes i'm still around

[dont-hold-me-up.livejournal.com]

Hey everybody. Haven't posted here in a long time. Haven't forgotten about you guys though. Anyway I'm doing alright. Home from school for winter break and bored out of my mind though. If anyone's out there right now I could use a good intelligent conversation. I'll be up for a while. Contact me on AIM, my screen name is S0n0fRage N L0ve (all the o's are zeros). Anyway I'll try and post here some more. Later.

default

[bubblegumsleaze.livejournal.com]

It's more about walls than anything else. Last night I dreamed that the things I keep hidden were coming after me. 
Set on a campus full of demons and ghosts, locked away from the rest of the world, peopled with students who had no idea that they were in hell, going about their lives as if all were well, under seige from the outside world, who wanted to know what was going on in there.

Personified as a guy my age who was already dead but didn't know it, still walking around, still going to class, really confused as to why he was falling apart...and why other things were coming to get him....a giant pig. a spirit hidden in a rug. a girl being directed by something she couldn't understand.
His girlfriend, who hadn't seen him in weeks but hunted for him constantly, knowing when he'd been home.
Another girl, buying huge rounds of drinks for everyone because she was convinced that every day was the last day of her life.
An old man,set to self destruct,searching for a family to take him in so that he could take them with him.

And everywhere chaos. Houses that people lived in that looked abandoned, filled with trash and broken glass.
Drunken college kids.
The walking dead.

All of it hidden behind a facade of normal that was flaking and chipping around the edges. As the dead guy deteriorated further the mask of normal that covered everything developed a huge gash right down the middle.

People kept on though, with their daily lives, as if everything were fine.

Outside the wall people who wanted to see them steeped in frustration, and the more persistant didn't survive their attempts to gain entry. They generally became part of the student body, once the defenses had eaten their lives. Sucked into hell for the grand act of caring.

When my alarm went off this morning the dead mans girlfriend was about to go upstairs, certain she was going to find something awful.

It didn't take me long to translate any of this weirdness. It all comes down to the same thing no matter what faces my mind gave it.

I know what I'm afraid of. I'm afraid that if I give in to what's going on, if I let somebody in, all hell is going to break loose. And that in letting someone in I'm dooming them to  tolerate a curse,suffer whatever the punishment might be for loving me.

Of course I know there's no such thing. There's no punishment for caring about me. I'm not cursed. I'm not poison. I know these things. My logical, rational mind tells me that thoughts like that are bullshit. Deluded.
But I see evidence everywhere I look. I'm not safe to be invested in. I hurt the people I love. I hurt the people who love me. Caring about me is exquisitely painful, to quote someone from my past. There are people who haven't survived it.
Of course I know that they had other things in their life that caused their ultimate destruction. Of course I know that my brother would have died with or without me around, because his own demons killed him, not mine.
Of course I know that my best friends problem wasn't really me. That I was one of the straws that eventually broke him IS true, but I was one among millions. I know this. Rationally.
But that base part of me, the part that to me makes the most sense, that tells me what's going on around me, knows differently.
The crazy part. The deluded part.

Of course I'm not just seeking someone out to take them with me. I know this.

I could keep going, but why bother? I'm at war with my own mind and emotions.  I'm afraid to let someone in on every level. I don't want my craziness to eat them alive, as it has so many other people. I don't want my illness to exhaust them, as it has so many other people. I don't want the strain of constantly coping with my issues to make them hate to be around me, as so many people have come to do. I don't want them exhausted, stressed out, miserable and sick, as so many of the people who once loved me were, before they opted for their own survival and wrote me out of their lives. And most of all I don't want to pass on this contagion to them. I don't want to risk anybody elses life.

But I don't want to be alone. I love people and if someone loves me back don't I deserve that?
Am I really the sum of my flaws or is there enough positive in there to make me worth the extra effort involved in knowing me?
Does the death of two people I loved, who were already sicker than I'll ever be, really mean I'm cursed to destroy the people I let in?  Of course it doesnt.
Is it safe for me to love? I know it is.
Is it safe for someone to love me? Of course.
Is this something I can have? Yes...but....
Oh no, here we go again....

See how it is?

Now, I could cheat this. I could medicate this war right out of my brain. I could add a PRN or two and all of this anxiety would just fade away. I could increase a med or two and this argument would cease. It wouldn't be resolved but it would stop.
I think I'm not going to do that. I think this is important enough that I need to deal with it, rather than just submerge it in a chemical lake.

I probably started off wrong already. Last night I sent Jenny home. I told her the absolute truth. I couldn't think straight while she was there.  That there was no trace of objectivity in my mind when I could look up and see her there.
She didn't get mad. Her feelings werent hurt.  She kissed my head and said "See you later then."

I think I shouldn't have made her leave. Because pushing her away is what I'm going to try to instinctively do....

I've got two weeks away from work to try to get over whatever this stupid virus is I've got. I've got plenty of time to think about it.

(no subject)

[stillbourne.livejournal.com]

::clicks on ludspeaker::

Attention Residents!

It is now officially 2008 and the renovations on our new Virtual Asylum are almost complete.

In celebration of our moving to a new virutal home, We thought it would be appropriate to choose a brand new URL for the site.

For this, the staff would like your input too!

[Poll #1117086]

Please let us know what you would like the new URL to be. Please note that if your suggestion is already in use by someone else, we cannot use it.

2008 is shaping up to become a wonderfull year here on _asylum_ and I am very happy that you are here to share it with us.

::clicks off loudspeaker::
((pause))
::clicks back on loudspeaker::

Medication time.
Please see the staffmember with the meds cart in your hallways.

::clicks off loudspeaker::

(no subject)

[bubblegumsleaze.livejournal.com]

Of course I overthink. I overanalyze. I know that. I've always done it and I've always known it. But I've never had it pointed out quite so abruptly as I did this morning, when someone asked me what I wanted, and I couldn't answer them because I was too torn between what I wanted and what I felt was right. And so while I was standing  there unable to speak, she said to me "Ryan, stop thinking. Answer the question I asked you. Don't tell me what you think the right answer should be, or what the most logical answer is, or what the most guilt free answer is,just tell me what you WANT." 
It took me a minute to do that. Because tied up in what I wanted was what I thought was right. What I thought SHOULD be. Everything she was asking me to forget about and just answer the question.
I did it...but it was hard.

 What she doesn't see, what other people who don't know me well don't see, is that that's what you GET when you get me. You get anxiety and indecision. You get overthinking, overanalyzing, overjustification, overrationalization. You get guilt and uncertainty.  You get deluded thinking, irrational reactions, mountains out of molehills...you don't just get "Yeah ok, this is what I want."

I can't really change that about me any more than I can change the color of my eyes.

I can't not overthink. I can't not overexagerate. I can't just be.

Having said all of that, I don't think there's anything irrational in wondering what this girl wants with me. What she sees in me. She's known  me maybe sixth months in the shallowest most superficial way possible. We work together. We say hi and bye and talk about inconsequential shit at the time clock. She gave me a ride to the doctors, hung around with me a couple of nights, and then came to me when she hit a bad trip.   Now she loves me.
Why? Where did that come from?

And while I'm at it, why am I so completely all about her?
Love..real love...doesn't happen that way. You can't love someone you don't even know.

This is getting on my tits now.

[krazyside.livejournal.com]

Hello everyone. Time for some ranting.

Just when things were looking up, I'm anxious. really anxious. Most of the time. This is really pissing me off.

I really fucking NEED to come off welfare this year and get my arse in gear. I need to get a £50/week part time job, any £50/week part time job (Well, except maybe that of crack whore), and just when I feel this is possible at last - I'm being pwnz0r3d by anxiety!!1

Fucksake. Angry now. Also afraid. They're going to draft me into some kind of godawful labour battalion or something unless I get my shit together, and so of course my brain, which has actually been co-operating a fair bit lately, has decided to give me shit.

Fuck you, brain! I'll get you for this if it's the last thing I do.