bluescreened

[bubblegumsleaze.livejournal.com]

Scary night.  For both of us, although for different reasons.  Her because she woke up sick, scared, seeing and hearing things that weren't there.  The ultimate bad powertrip. 
Me because she was SO sick and I had no idea if it would just clear itself up or if I should be taking her somewhere..not that I can drive..and because I was so afraid I'd hit her. 
No I'm not that kind of asshole.  GSD, means you grab me suddenly and my hyperactive cns thinks it's an attack and I've spent years damping down the instinct to automatically hit back, even when I haven't been hit first.  I'm sick too, and the fever fucks me up. For a while we were both a little drifty as to what was really going on. She kept grabbing me and I kept struggling to not hit her and I was so afraid all night that I accidentally would.  And I felt so bad leaving her alone. I was sick too, there were a couple of times I had to leave or throw up on her.  I feel like that wouldn't have been very nice of me, and would have more than likely gotten me punched out in the morning, but she was so scared.  I'd leave and she'd panic. I'd hear her in the other room and there was nothing I could do.
She made me cry, finally, and if things hadn't started to get better then, if everything hadn't started to wear off, I don't know what I would have done. She looked up at me and in a moment of clarity said to me "Oh my god, is this what it's like for you all the time??" And she looked so completely empathetic....I don't know. I was just done.
There was too much emotion going on.
Too much emotion.

She got herself together right when the sun was coming up and asked me if she could take a shower.  She had nothing to put on and borrowed a tshirt from me, and she came walking out all beautiful in just this tshirt and I didn't even know what to do. It was almost like breathing was too much to think about.  Everything was just too much.

It's all still too much. I couldn't sleep, we went to bed at maybe 6am, and she was still a little freaked out, still a little out of it, and just when I was starting to fall asleep, and I guess she must have thought I was already asleep, she said, really really really softly, I know she didn't mean me to hear her, "if you had any idea how much i love you..."

That was it for sleep for me.  I waited till she was all the way out and got up. I don't know what to do with that. I don't know what to do with that. It's all just too much for me to even process. It's all just too much.

I left her a note so she's not scared when she wakes up and I'm going out. I guess I'm just gonna walk until I can think straight.

I'm so tired.

I feel like I'm in total overload.

my thoughts are bleeding

[bubblegumsleaze.livejournal.com]

Such a weird day. I don't know what to do with myself. Jenny's still sound asleep and I don't want to wake her up. I've tried to go back to bed a million times, I'm so tired I'm shaking, but when I get into bed she's right there and I can't relax, can't stop shaking, can't go to sleep. So I get up, and find I can't eat, can't read, can't watch tv, can't stand to be gone....I went for a walk but I had to get back here, my anxiety was through the roof. I'm pacing like a lion in a cage. I don't know why I feel like this. I don't want to wake her up. I can't wait for her to wake up. I don't want her to wake up! I don't know what to do. I don't even know why I'm so nervous. I'm three xanax up from what I'm supposed to take and it hasn't touched it. I can't take anymore. I can't sit still and there's nobody online to talk to.
I keep starting conversations with people and they keep just going silent on me.
I can't sit still.
I feel terrible, too. Besides being so tired I still have whatever it is I've had for the last three weeks. I still have a fever. I'm still sick to my stomach. I'm still aching everywhere.  And I'm so tired. I tried to sleep on the couch but I was suddenly afraid she'd leave while I was asleep.
I can't sleep with her in my bed.
I can't sleep with her in my room.
I can't sleep with her in my house.
I don't want her to leave.
I really wish she'd go.
I need to wake her up so I have somebody to talk to.
I feel awful and I don't know what to do.
I really more than anything want to climb into bed and go to sleep. I can't do that.

Be careful, children of the internet.

[bubblegumsleaze.livejournal.com]

An internet  friend of mine I havent spoken to in a couple of years just logged on.  She's someone I was very close to through a really long, really difficult time of my life.  A lot went on in both of our lives and we just havent caught each other online in a very very very long time. She just logged on and saw me at the same time I saw her. I IM'd her with "Is that really you?"
She IM'd me with "What the fuck makes you think you can talk to me now after two years without a word?! Do you know how much I worried about you? Did you even give a fuck? Fuck you, I thought we were friends. I was there for you. I cried for you. And you just pulled your disappearing act and now you want to talk to me?" And then she blocked me.
So she never asked me WHY she didnt see me for all that time. She never thought to wonder if maybe something had...oh I don't know..happened.
Like maybe the year I spent in a psychiatric hospital may have had an impact on how much time online I had. Or the two surgeries with their subsequent 8 week hospital stays might have had something to do with it. How about three months of hospitalization with histo? We're almost up to two years already and that's not even half the stuff that went on.  What about two moves across the country? The death of my best friend? The breakup of my family? My brothers breakdown, near death and hospitalization? How about a suicide attempt, a major med change, and the actual beginning of LIVING?
What do you think, could some of that been responsible for two years of only being online a a little um...less often?
I send an offline message to this woman every single time I log on.
I could have just as easily asked her why she stopped talking to me. Why two years could go by without her answering a single one of my emails or offline messages.  I could have just as easily ripped her a new one over her never once asking if I was ok, or her steadfastly ignoring my brothers attempts to get in touch with her to fill her in.
I didn't do those things. Because I figured that she wasn't online all the time due to LIFE.
But I'm saying them now. Because I know her. She reads my blog. She won't respond to it. Even when I come right out and BEG people to talk to me, which I have been known to do, she won't say a word. Most of my friends dont, for whatever reason. I can do what I've done tonight and put up a message that says "Please, I really need someone to talk to" and nobody will bother to say anything.
But they get awful mad when I have the balls to go into the hospital for three months to try to not die.
So....she knows who she is. This goes out to her.
Honey this goes out to you.
Now you know where I've been and why I haven't been around.

Fuck off.
and
Fuck you.

And y'know, while I'm thinking it...that Fuck off and fuck you up there goes out to each and every one of you who fits the bill. You all know who you are.

But this one "friend"?
I have one more thing to say.

Thanks for the reminder. Every once in a while the reality of internet friendships rears its ugly head.
Be careful out there, children of the internet.
The people you love can disappear, and life may not let them tell you where they've gone, or why. Remember that, and take care that you don't hurt them when you do see them, because of something they couldn't help.
Remember there are technical difficulties. Computers break, bank accounts empty, connections go down, people move away and take their machines with them.  Use care when you ask where your missing ones have been. They can't talk to you if the technology wasnt there for them to use.
Remember people get sick, and people die.
People get married and have children.
People live....
Be careful. You don't want to hurt people who never had any intention of hurting you.