(no subject)

[foreversad.livejournal.com]

I posted maybe a few days ago, I think, that I am reallllllly manic right now. I haven't been this manic in a very long time. I am hyper and my mind won't shut off, but I am physically exhausted and my head feels so heavy. My eyes hurt. I have not really slept in 4 days. I feel so unreal right now. I can't really explain it. In the midst of this, I have been doing a lot of thinking. Like. .. wow, I have bipolar. I was diagnosed a long time ago, and I have been struggling with it. Another thing I cannot explain. I have to be on meds in order for me to function. Last week, I went to get my Risperdal refilled, but it was out of stock, so they could only give me a few to hold me over til it came in. It wasn't enough for my full dose, though, so I had to ration it. I started feeling manicky. I could see the signs. Then, I forgot to pick it up 2 days in a row, and by that time, I was experiencing physical withdrawal and getting more manic and out of control. I have since been taking it once I picked it up, but I am afraid that it is going to take some time to work again. I am doing the stupidest shit. I made a pass at one of my best friends, which made things kinda awkward, but everything is cool now. Both he and another good friend of mine are worried about me. If my head didn't feel so heavy and if my eyes didn't hurt, I would be fine. I get physically ill when I go a while without sleeping. But, I don't want to sleep. I want to be out doing things. I have read alomst 300 pages in the past 24 hours. I have been acting crazy, and not on purpose. I also have borderline personality disorder, and all that stuff is way magnified. I want this all to stop. I am not suicidal or anything like that, which is a first for me. Usually when I am like this, I just want to kill myself. I like it, but at the same time I hate it, and I don't know how to make it stop. I tried contacting my therapist with no avail. I am going to contact him again today, in hopes of a response. I really don't know what else to do. I just wish it wasn't so physically tolling on me.

That it all.

NURSE!!!!

[tankgirl2481.livejournal.com]

I need attention please!

I really really need attention.
Help help help help help...
How can he just cut ties like that?
I wish I could do that but it seems impossible.
Help help help help help help help....

(no subject)

[sapphireroseivy.livejournal.com]

::walks down the hall humming::

I Are Slowly Going Crazy 1 2 3 4 5 6Switch . .

Crazy Going Slowly Are I 5 4 3 2 1Switch . .

Going mad now (more so than usual)

[krazyside.livejournal.com]

Damn! I'm depressed again. This really sucks.

And I was happy earlier, too. That'll teach me to stay indoors!

What really worries me is that I might be having symptoms of impending total schitzophrenic collapse, complete with calssic delusional states and everything. For about the past week or so I've had the impression that J__ is trying to get in touch with me, even though she's obviously not, and more recently that psychic phenomena are involved.

Obviously this is simply a mental delusion bought on by (insert cause here...), but it's kind of disturbing nonetheless. J__ is the last person I need to talk to, she severely screwed me over, and yet... I can't seem to get her out of my head. And now this sudden depression - I dunno, maybe brought on by the realisation that I am in fact never going to talk to this person again, and that if I do it will be a disaster. Either way, this is really annoying. J__ should mean nothing to me, she is roadkill, a speed bump on the road to progress, history, a bad memory, an unwanted ghost.

And yet I find myself involuntarily thinking of her again and again and again, like I said to the point where I'm starting to wonder if something's happened to her or she is trying to fuck me over psychically. Even though it's far more likely that I'm just going mad.

The point is that I honestly don't know which would be worse - me going mad or this wierd freak getting in touch with me again.

Hoping it wears off soon anyway, whatever it is. Maybe I'll try using some of her old antipsychotics that she left in my apartment before I split up with her. Now that's what I call poetic justice!