why im not with the father of my unborn.

[nyx-is-tweekin.livejournal.com]

I found that his silence could be defining,
That his eyes weren’t mysterious but vacant.
His mind, child like.
Yes….but his heart was good.
He meant well I guess.

He doesn’t see his little girl that he had with his ex…he doesn’t speak her name.
I know he loves her or did… there are pictures…. Of them he took so many…
I don’t think he has the ability to be a dad or love like one.
Its more like a new toy, and when it wasn’t convenient to see her it was easy that she would be put away.
Like a once favorite toy.
Shelved.
Out of site….out of mind.

I had never been a parent but I thought at one point I loved a child once like one.
Broke my heart when I had to move . I had no choice.
So having felt something like that I couldn’t imagine having a child and living so close and never going to see or even call him or her.

I used to put it out of my mind.

Everything started to fall apart after I found porn ,young teen porn.
He started to change in my eyes… 26 years old and I’m 21 yet I’m older in my mind then him.
He begin to be this pervert in my eyes…everything was sex related.
Always trying to shower with me… never asking first..
I would be shaving my legs and he would hop in scaring the hell out of me.
He became a chore ….I would cry during sex .
I had to leave.

We had a convo about his mother.
It was said that his mom was sexually abusing his little girl , she showed her mother things no 4 year old would know about. He said he didn’t think his mother could ever.
He didn’t look into it. Mean while his mother don’t see the little girl anymore.
Then I wondered if it was even the truth.
Because one time I was around his mother and she asked if he ever says the little girls name.
I lied and said yes…
She asked me if he had pictures…I said yes.
didn’t tell her they were in the closet.
I started to have dreams about him abusing his little girl…
After I was pregnant (but didn’t know I was) I was having dreams about him abusing my little one.
I really don’t know if it was his mother or him that abused her.
So I made up my mind in the best interest of my unborn child to leave him….an never tell him about the pregnancy .

Having been a rape victim its just something I don’t ever want for my child.

The guy needs to grow up..
he only works like a week out of a months barely makes bills and spends all his money on movies.
If he isn’t playing Xbox he is eating…or asleep.
I can’t handle it anymore, I’m over it. I want more out of life.


~nyx

(no subject)

[dont-hold-me-up.livejournal.com]

Ever hear a song for the first time and you just are like yeah. You totally connect to the song at the time and it expresses every bad feeling you're having at the time and while its a good song it almost makes you cry because of how close it hits to home. It's an interesting occurence.

(no subject)

[persephone-thea.livejournal.com]

Here is a pop culture meme for you all if you are bored.

( Read more... )

X-posted to my LJ

(no subject)

[dont-hold-me-up.livejournal.com]

( Cut for being about nothing but drugs )

Well in other news I've been thinking. Throughout life we constantly find out things that change what we thought was true about the world. It starts out with the whole no Santa Claus thing and stuff and then as your grow up there are certain stereotypes that are revealed to be falsehoods, like when i was younger i thought drugs (at least heavy drugs) were a problem limited only to urban areas and stuff, i grew up and find out tho that its just the same where i live, another example is things you think about our country and our government, or about crime and criminals, are lives are full of falsehoods that we constantly learn the truth about as we grow older, sometimes we'll learn a truth about something and then find out that there was even a lie in that truth, do we ever really know the truth? anyway thats my rambling

ATTENTION

[rottenpeices.livejournal.com]

In regards to our beloved persephone_thea I would just like to state that she may be away for a little while. She has to take care of some things that require her attention. She's ok but just keep her in your thoughts and if it's your kinda thing...prayers too. Once again SHE is ok but she wanted me to let everyone know of her absence. Let's give her something to come back to and show her your love. I'm sure she would appreciate it.

E

"Gun Smoke"

[carrion-heart.livejournal.com]