shit-balls

[nyx-is-tweekin.livejournal.com]

i'm not happy at all...

i have been using drug/cutting/starving- to deal with all my shit sense i was like 14 i'm 21 now.
i broke up with my ex about 2 months ago and found out i was preggers by him.
i lied to him and said i wasnt because i think he abused sexualy his other kid who he never sees or paid child support on. one of the reasons i left.

i'm dating this guy josh now who wants to be the daddy and tell everyone its his.
he is taking caref his parents now. (paying for there shit) he got into a fight with his dad cuz his dad wont work an josh is fed up with being the paent to his parents..
he left there and text me that he was moving from their and he was freaking out and upset...nd hurt about everything.. alot didnt make sense.
he said he would call when he got to davids. never did. he wont answer my text now.. and i'm worried/pissed.
somethings not right.

now
i wanna cut. i wanna drink. i wanna do drugs till i tweek/pass out.
everything in my life is fucked i cant do any of it cuz im preggers. i havent been sober in years till these last few months.. i cant cope.. i'm shaking i'm araid im gonna fuck up .
i havent told my mom im 3 months yet.. i'm alone. and my car is broken. i just moved here so i have no job.
to make things worse my best friend sense like 17 doesnt wanna tlk to me anymore.
i guess now that she is married and has a kid...with a perfect life i'm just a fuck up she dont need. even though the whole 9 months she was preggers sh lived with me and i took care of here while her huby was in iraq and never called her..

i use to hold her when she cried..she can even be on the other line for me now.

i wanna do bad things...


~nyx