(no subject)

[twystedblyss.livejournal.com]

So my fiancee is really sick. I think it's pneumonia, although the docs didn't really say. I think they should have kept her, but they didn't, so now I have to stay up all night and make sure she's breathing, which is going to make me very, very tired. Plus I'm sick and can't get any medicine because we are broke (she has coverage, I don't.) We just got home from the ER about an hour ago. And I really don't feel good. Anyway, I'm just rambling while I rip The Open Door to my mp3 player, and then I'm going to at least lie down. Maybe sleep a little, if I truly can't help it. Have to be up at 8:30 to go fill her prescriptions though, so it's going to be a short friggin night. *sighs* Oh well, what can you do?

my fave girl maryjane

[dont-hold-me-up.livejournal.com]

i am so fucking crazy stoned, like i'm more stoned than i was the first time i was stoned, this is so fuckin insane, yo i smoked to green day for the first time, it ruled, you guys rock

i need a fucking girl

Living on the edge.

[bubblegumsleaze.livejournal.com]

Not that I think anyone wondered, and certainly nobody asked, but I'm just saying hi again. And I'm back. Sorry about that ;) I'm kind of tenacious though, I always come back. Kind of like toenail fungus.

Out of nowhere, with no warning, everything went bad. I don't even know what happened. I went to work, and coming home on the train everybody started to look different. Nothing going by looked familiar and I didn't know where I was or what was going on. It just went down from there. It's been a couple weeks, been some inpatient time, and they let me go home, but I don't know if it's much better. My dog's on my lap but for some reason I can still hear him whining at my door down the hall. I can hear that the heat is on, but it's freezing and I can see my breath in front of my face. I know that's not real. It's this other sort of place I sometimes inhabit, where it's always cold. I think it's sort of a hallucinatory rendering of my state of mind. I feel so cold inside I just see it as a visual.
I've answered my own question now though. The one I put to the people at schiz.com a few weeks ago, about how people who are actively out of it can get online and communicate that to other people. I would read these crazy posts and go "That can't be real. Nobody that nuts could actually be online saying those things. It can't even be possible" so I asked them. They got a little pissed at me, and now I guess I understand why. Because look, here I am doing it, and I feel like I'm doing it right, even though my dog is in two places at once and I can see my hands on the keyboards frosting up. There's ice on them and I can see it falling off into the keyboard, and the part of me that knows it's not real is trying to ignore it, but the part of me that is arguing, that's going "It's real, it's RIGHT THERE!" is a little worried it'll fuck up the computer. Nuts much?
It's nice when things are answered for you so clearly.
But anyway, that's all meaningless.
I don't know what caused this to happen, I was on meds that were working so well and all of this had receded so far into the distance. It was just a memory of what once had been. Now it's here in my face and taking my life away again. What happened to the meds? I'm still on them but they're not having any effect at all now. Not true, they must be having some or I wouldn't have been let out. But the gunk they melted out of my head is all back in there again. Everything's misfiring.I see everything I think again. That's just not a good thing. I always said that if this stopped working, it having been my last resort, I'd give up. It was so nice to not have to deal with this shit that I swore I'd do anything to not have to go back to it. Now I don't know what to do, because I don't want to give up.
I don't want to be like this anymore though. And I don't understand what went wrong or why it's happening.
So much for having a job and living like a normal person.

It's been too long.

[leyzombie.livejournal.com]

I am back and I have a new screen name.
missdisney -› leyzombie

It's been a long time. From what I can recall, the last time I was here, I still dating my friend Doug, whom at the time was verbally abusing me. As it was expected, I let go of him and we went our separate ways. After a long while of being mad at each other, and ignoring each other, we decided that we wanted to be friends again. Now everything has been fine thus far, aside from my "best friend" becoming extremely jealous of the situation and attempting to lock me into a cage. However, over the past few months I have become stronger, and I no longer allow anyone to treat me as an animal.

With this talk of becoming stronger, I guess I should speak of the progress I've made in the past few months as well. It's been a long time since I have called myself ugly, or hated what I saw in the mirror. To be honest, I've grown to love the way I now look. It's also been about 10 months since I last inflicted harm on my self. I will not lie, I still get the urge. It was like an addiction, but, I was able to conquer it.

The only things that brought me down recently were the death of my grandmother on the 14th of September, and my father ((whom I usually rant about hating so much)) called me yesterday to inform me that he is going back to the hospital this month. He's been in and out of there now, I don't even remember how many times. I have lost count. As much as I can't stand him for abandoning me, I am so afraid of loosing him.

( I am so alike you in so many ways, I know I'm just a copy that carries on the stain. )

(no subject)

[silenceiskey.livejournal.com]

I like strangers.