boo!

[iheartsantino.livejournal.com]

i haven't posted here for a while so i figured i should.

yesterday i tried to explain to my sister why i want to quit my job and just relax from august until september. she's the type of person who ALWAYS has to be 100% right about everything and doesn't let people get a word in edgewise. so she made a few points why she thought it was a bad idea, and they were reasonable, but she just wouldn't listen to my reasoning... which is so frustrating. we all know how hard it is when no one will stop and just listen and try to understand you.

now, i haven't had a good relationship with my sister for years (and i'm only 18). maybe we'll have a good day and be able to carry on a simple conversation but that's it. she's one of those people who somehow manages to make you feel so utterly worthless... i'm aware of how unhealthy that is, so you can understand why i avoid her.

so i don't even know why i started talking to her about it. i was seriously terrified when i heard the words come out of my mouth because i really didn't want to talk to her about it. but the words just kept coming.

so i had a complete breakdown. i was crying uncontrollably and i was getting light-headed because i couldn't control my breathing (my breaths being short, fast, and shallow). she just wouldn't shut up.

i have issues talking to people about things anyway, and i keep my breakdowns hidden in my own little world where no one even knows they exist... so this whole experience was really discouraging. i'm never talking to anyone again. why bother? they don't even want to understand.

(no subject)

[rowthepiano.livejournal.com]

This is really fucking hard.

I have two months to lose 15 more pounds. I've already dropped 15 but everyone in my family saw me recently and told me to just continue to get skinnier and skinnier, so I plan to.
By this Christmas I want to be THIN THIN THIN.

I don't know if I'll ever see my fmaily again. Since Herb died, and he was the link...who knows. Bobby and I really want us all to get really close because we never were. Our family is divided into two sides because Herb and my grandmother were never married. I think I'll miss Bobby the most though. Even though he's 13 years my senior and I see him twice a year, he's really cool.

Herb is dead. I feel so guilty for not getting closer to him. Because I was too busy developing some idea inside my head that was bad. I'm such a fuck up. But no one else on my side of the family feels bad. So I feel bad for feeling bad. But this has taught me not to take people for granted. So thanks Grandpa Herb...for teaching me this.

Struggling with craving alcohol. I want it really bad.