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carmineclover.livejournal.comI thought since no one really understands what a suicidal person is going through that I ought to write how it feels for me. I've been told I'm good with words and so I give you....A Suicidal Experience, By Kat Quynne formerly the Darksidekitty.
It starts off slow, you hear your inner monologue chastising you for all the shit you've done wrong lately....spilled your coffee, missed your bus, misspoke a word. Stupid shit like that but it gets worse. You get distracted by this voice and it gets louder all the time. It takes up to two weeks to really get loud for me. You make more mistakes, and soon you just feel this hole growing inside you. That takes about four or five days for me. You become emotionally empty and drained. Next it becomes physical. You can feel that hole in your heart, that ache in your chest where something ought to be but it's not. Then it hurts to stand, hurts to sit, hurts to lay down, hurts to sleep. The voice in your head as become as loud and annoying as white noise on a television with the volume all the way up. You can't breathe without crying. Your whole body hurts for no reason, your psyche hurts, your soul hurts. Then over the noise in your head, quiet at first but gradually louder you hear "fix it, solve it, make it go away" You try sleeping but you already found out that hurts too. You try watching tv but all you can hear is the white noise. You blast your music, color or write, and eventually realize you're screaming at the top of your lungs and no one can hear you. Then when you've exhausted all resources you hear one voice loud and clear in your head. "Kill yourself" it says to you. It tells you what to write in your journal or on a notepad in the living room. It tells you how to do it. "Your guitar strings...two dowels and your guitar strings around your neck" or "Cut your wrists from your palm to the middle of your forearm, better do it right!" and when you just can't bring yourself to do anything because of the sight of blood you find yourself reaching for two bottles, alcohol and painkillers and closing your eyes and downing too much of both. Or maybe you find yourself at the top of a building and you leap off. I've slit my wrists "down the street not across". I've overdosed, drowned, jumped, suffocated, been shot, stabbed, and beaten and for some reason I'm still fucking alive. But there you have it....what it feels like.....
It starts off slow, you hear your inner monologue chastising you for all the shit you've done wrong lately....spilled your coffee, missed your bus, misspoke a word. Stupid shit like that but it gets worse. You get distracted by this voice and it gets louder all the time. It takes up to two weeks to really get loud for me. You make more mistakes, and soon you just feel this hole growing inside you. That takes about four or five days for me. You become emotionally empty and drained. Next it becomes physical. You can feel that hole in your heart, that ache in your chest where something ought to be but it's not. Then it hurts to stand, hurts to sit, hurts to lay down, hurts to sleep. The voice in your head as become as loud and annoying as white noise on a television with the volume all the way up. You can't breathe without crying. Your whole body hurts for no reason, your psyche hurts, your soul hurts. Then over the noise in your head, quiet at first but gradually louder you hear "fix it, solve it, make it go away" You try sleeping but you already found out that hurts too. You try watching tv but all you can hear is the white noise. You blast your music, color or write, and eventually realize you're screaming at the top of your lungs and no one can hear you. Then when you've exhausted all resources you hear one voice loud and clear in your head. "Kill yourself" it says to you. It tells you what to write in your journal or on a notepad in the living room. It tells you how to do it. "Your guitar strings...two dowels and your guitar strings around your neck" or "Cut your wrists from your palm to the middle of your forearm, better do it right!" and when you just can't bring yourself to do anything because of the sight of blood you find yourself reaching for two bottles, alcohol and painkillers and closing your eyes and downing too much of both. Or maybe you find yourself at the top of a building and you leap off. I've slit my wrists "down the street not across". I've overdosed, drowned, jumped, suffocated, been shot, stabbed, and beaten and for some reason I'm still fucking alive. But there you have it....what it feels like.....
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