(no subject)

[sirensong666.livejournal.com]

Tonight has been rough. I have been feeling that old, familiar clenching in my stomach, the one that makes it hard to breathe. Memories aren't just flitting at the edge of my mind, they are slowly strolling just out of my range of perception. I look down at dinner, but see another plate on another table, but before i can fully grasp this new reality, it is gone, leaving only the spastic clenching of my stomach that makes me fear that dinner will end up right back on the plate. My breath is catching in my chest, pushing the tears to the edge of my eyes with the rising lump in my throat. I catch myself rocking, trying in vain to comfort myself from a demon I cannot see, but touches me just the same. I see the ghosts of boyfriends past materialize before me. I feel the overwhelming need to push his form from my side, though I know he has not occupied that space for over a year. I resist the same way I did when he was there, clutching my arms tightly around my body, desperate not to allow an inch of movement, fearful that my body will act on it's own accord. I feel his hands slide down my shoulders in that oh-so-familiar action that stiffens my entire body and serves to advertise his claim to me and remind me of the chains I have somehow allowed him to bind me with. I hear his voice, that deep growl that tells me that I am no longer in his good graces. The one that often serves as the only punishment I receive, but not always. I see the distortions of the world around me that signal the dissolution of my stable reality, back to that nebulous world I have tried so hard to leave behind. Looking down, I see the shadow of the little man who I know is in the heating duct, banging out a rhythm that I fear I am the only audience to. I again regret forgetting to take my meds before I left the house, knowing that is the reason I am in this Hell, but suspecting that it wouldn't have mattered anyway. Why can't I be normal? Why is my world like this? Once I knew that everything I experienced was real on one plane of existence or another, but now I am not sure at all of what was real and what was only the product of my sick mind. I even worry that my fairies, the creatures that are often the only things that can make me smile, are not my friends... that they are the products of chemical imbalances, or, on my worst days, that they are laughing at me... not cheering me up, but coming to revel in my misery or watch in lust as I bathe or change or masturbate. I cannot escape myself, and that is as close to Hell as I have ever been.

(no subject)

[domocles.livejournal.com]

i won't this build up inside of me

Push Me......and then just touchl me.....until I get my......satisfaction

[majinjanemba.livejournal.com]

I have recieved 200$ on this day for my B-day the 24th. Right now here is the list of what is reserved.

Ampallang Piercing= 75$ (If my friend Aaron can pull some strings less)
Debbies baby present= 30-40$
Hair Dye= 3-6$
2 more piercers for ears= 5$
1 Year anniversary with Kristi present= 30-50$
Total=150$

My question is what else should I get? I am hitting up Hustlers also so give me ideas. And maybe a strip club.

(no subject)

[spiderweb66.livejournal.com]

You are the bad boy / girl of your school. You
have little faith in yourself and usually find
escape in some sort of addicting substance or
yourself. You would rather torture others
above anything else. You regularly skip
school and when you go, always tend to ditch a
certain class. Some classmates can fear you
while others pity you...and your family. (No
offense) Your cruel behavior and abject
personality tends to single you out from the
crowd...and you prefer life this way at times.
However, lonliness can rear its ugly head and
force you seek a way to silence it. But be
warned, your path is dangerous... but only a
strong person can walk this road.

Some
ideal occupations for you can be a Police
officer, Celebrity (who doesn't love the
badasses?), Wrestler, Polotician, or some sort
of leader. Either way, your destined to be
known by many.


What type of teenager are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

OH MY GOD!!! ITS George! Paradice Kiss ROCKS. (and better yet i didnt even think these were manga pics on the quizzie!)

now to some thing serious:

i think my shrink is finaly catching on to the bullshit ive been feeding her. shes the first of eight to actually suspect something. sad isnt it?

and im the happiest ive ever felt since i started going out with my girlfriend, nessa. it kinda funny but ive been with her for more than a month now. i cant believe it. time is going by so much faster. and ive finally gotten my ex eric to stop calling me. yay. its about time.


MY CELL PHONE WAS STOLEN TODAY. i am so pissed. they called some one on it before we canceled the plan. we were able to trace the call. omg. whoever it is will be dead before they can even whisper "help". and its not as if they didnt know who it belongs to cuz it was stolen in first block, and my name and contact info is in there, those fuckers are going DOWN!

(no subject)

[bubblegumsleaze.livejournal.com]

....I was out of line I was out of place
out of time to save face
See the open mouth of my suitcase
Sayin "leave this place"
Leave without a trace
Leave without a trace....

....Standing in the sun
with a popsicle
Everything is possible
With a lot of luck
and a pretty face
And some time to waste
Leave without a trace
Leave without a trace....

I'm so sick and tired of it. I go online and people jump on me and say "Hey, how are you?" and when I tell them I'm fine they don't believe me. So I tell them the truth and they laugh at me. I mean, what is so FUCKING funny about "Not so good, I'm still losing weight and before long I'll end up back in the hospital on tube feedings just so I don't disappear."
How does that rate "LOL" as a response?
Real fucking funny.
I can't think anymore. I can't figure things out. I try to talk, I stumble around the words and the letters, and what do I get? "LOL"
What the fuck?
And more and more I just think that everyone around me was right when they told me I can't count online friends as really being friends.
They've told me and told me and told me "Ryan, those people do like you, but if you aren't around they aren't going to lose any sleep over it."
I argue with them all the time.
But they're really right. It's the definite truth. Nobody on here WILL lose any sleep over it, because it's just the internet and people come and go. There's no way to know if a person is busy, distracted, without power, without a computer, being social, reading books, sick, or dead, because they're not there to tell you. So, you can stress or you can just accept that they aren't around and go on with your life. Reasonable as hell. Which makes the friends and family absolutely right.
Which people really give a shit? The people right here in my world. The ones in my house and the ones who come to see me every day, even the days I try to push them away. THOSE are my friends.
I know this now.

And I've figured out, too, that schiz boards are no place for me to be. Nobody with a mind should even go there, because the merest hint of challenge or anything that might inspire an actual conversation, and they delete it like it was the black plague crawling all over the screen.
Fuck that and fuck them.

In fact, fuck you all.
I'm sick and tired of all of it.

Ornament sound archive

[stereotest.livejournal.com]

Dark ambient musician Ornament (Davide Del Col) is offering all of his recorded material through website.
Check it out

http://www.ebriarecords.com/ornament/