[identity profile] poisonalys.livejournal.com
I'm starting to wonder what the fucking point is anymore. I mean, why do I even try to make an attempt at life? It's not like anything I say or do is good enough, it's not like I can't say or do anything without hurting someone or pissing someone off. I can't even exist without ruining someone else's fucking life. I am so sick and tired. I'm starting to think hermitude might be the answer. No matter how much I want to be with my friends or bf or parents or teachers, maybe everyone else in the fucking world would be better fucking off if I just died. They sure make me feel that way.

I've screwed things up again.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

FUCK.
[identity profile] nam-erehwon-eht.livejournal.com
I'm very sorry to bore you all with this. But I sort of think that this is one of my more important posts. Please indulge an old man here ... And forgive me for perhaps boring you with some ranting ...

Entry dated: 12/08/05 in my private journal - shared here because I love you all so much...

_________________________________

All of my life I've been that sort of person who, when people see me, they either feel like they need a hug, or that they just got one. I don't know why. But that's always been the case.

So, when I got to the ward in 1968, the younger boys just seemed drawn to me. I was the oldest boy in the ward. David Young was 14. But the rest of the boys were either 10 to 12, or younger. So, whether I liked it or not, whether I could do it or not, I had to be the Dad. And so I was. And, as I have said, when I would show kindness, or help those in trouble, when the staff refused to do so, I was horribly beaten every single time. And when the beatings would occur, I, well, I didn't know much how to be a parent to these children. But I did know that when you were suffering, you did NOT put that suffering on your children. So, when I would be beaten, I would become very quiet. I would come back to the ward, all bruised and with a terrible look on my face. Then, seeing the children, my children, I knew that I just HAD to be strong for them. So I'd put on a smile and then just say I wanted to go to the solarium for a little while. Of course they all knew why I was going away from them. They all knew. Anyone who looked at me could see that I had been beaten horribly. But, these were my children. And children, regardless of what anyone might say, truly do love their parents. And these children, my children, loved me. So they'd just smile back as I would roll on through to the solarium where I would spend a few quiet moments alone crying, and hurting. There was no one there who reached out for me. There was no one there for me to beg to hold me. No. This place, the ward, was the closest I've ever been to Hell on Earth in my life. Ever.

But I'd get over the crying and then come out, with a spring in my voice and do what I HAD to do. Be concerned for my children, and THEIR safety and well being.

And so it was...

And then, I met Timmy...

Timmy Block )

This was a tough memory to write. Very tough. Very few people really understand, unless they have lost one of their own, what it's like to lose one of your children. Very few understand. And while Timmy was never legally mine, and he was Black and I was white, and only 18....Well, just know this. No matter what anyone has ever said to me, no matter when or where... to me, in my own heart, Timmy Block has always been, and shall remain for the rest of my entire life, as my FIRST SON... My son... my little boy... who I loved then, and love now so much. And NOTHING is ever going to change that.

And while I am now suffering from my own mental illnesses and am so totally disabled, and bent and crooked that I find it so very hard to even go out much... to me, that doesn't matter okay! It just doesn't matter... to ME...ALL of the world's children are MY children... ALL of them... I may be horribly damaged, but my heart is HUGE... okay...it's a really big heart... and I have lots of room in there ...lots...

So, while I'm pretty poor, and so limited that going out scares the hell out of me anymore... and I sometimes will start having rapid breathing and turn red and scared when I'm around too many people... while, when I go to stores, and they find my name is Nicole, and I have to tell them that my mom gave me that name, rather than the REAL story... and I get laughed at... and made fun of... and while they also laugh because I walk crooked...

Okay... I'm not that much...so what! I still have lots of LOVE...Okay...and I use my love, however much I'm limited to do 1 single thing...

Keep alive that love that I once had for my son... Timmy... and to do what I know HAS to be done...to love the children... no matter what, no matter where, no matter when... to simply love the children...

So while every minute 24 more children are being murdered...and while every 3 seconds another baby dies from poverty...

Okay... I might be trapped in this damn body that hates me and trapped in a mind that has become my worst nightmare... But, regardless, I FEEL each child in the world crying... and I feel their screams. I feel their pain. And I rush to stand firm in my own home here, and in my heart to be for them, always, that parent that loving friend and father AND mother that they might need as they cry their last breaths and leave us forever...

So now, the entire world of children they are MY children... and I love them as much as I love Timmy. Just as much and just as deep. And I always will. After all, Timmy deserves at least that commitment from me, with the price he had to pay because I was not able to be do what had to be done to save his life... it's what has to be done...

And so I use my keyboard like a piano... I play the keys and play the music of the children...The songs of their dreams and their hopes and their loves... for after all, the very least that ANY of us can do is truly to be their parents... to be their friends, and to love them, in spite of a world that all too often cares nothing for their lives and looks at them with disregard while these tiny lives pass from our arms with each passing second...

and, like puffs of smoke in the wind, they are then gone... Just like Timmy... and every time the world loses another child the world loses another miracle... My book!

As I said, it's Christmas, I'm an Atheist now. But, it's still Christmas. And when I was growing up, it wasn't my mom and dad who said this. It was one of our black maids who said this... "You know Mickey, at Christmas, it's the most important time to make sure that when you really love someone or care about them, that you make sure that you let them know... It's just important to do that. Lots of things about Christmas are not fun, but telling someone how much you love them and care for them? That's fun....".

And I've held that one thought that Georgia Myers told me when I was just 9 years old... to this very day...

So, it's Christmas. And while it's been horribly hard for me to write this all down... about my first son. My Timmy. As Georgia said, it's Christmas. And at Christmas you take that extra moment to make sure you stop for a second to just tell those who you love how much you really love them....

so, in this very hard memory I've shared now, I'm telling you... all of you...those who know me, and those who do not...

I love you... Truly I do...

The next time you look into a child's eyes... stop for a moment and please, for me, just take a second and remember a very brave little boy who just wanted to write "I love you" to his mom and for that was murdered in cold blood... Our children so desperately need us... They just need us so badly... so very badly...

I love all of you so very much always...

Love,

Mickey

Leah

Nov. 23rd, 2005 04:34 am
[identity profile] nam-erehwon-eht.livejournal.com
I think that's it's very important, in order for you all to understand how deeply I LOVE all of you, so totally, for you to read this letter I just wrote to my own little girl, Leah, who is now 28 and married. Leah, comes from a previous marriage, and I tell more of her story on my web site, listed in my lj profile. But, so often, many of you remark, in your thoughts, how nice it is that I love you all so much... Truly, this exchange, might help to explain some of the reasons why. It's a tough exchange to read. But be assured, my dearest ones, that I am sharing this exchange only because my love for you is second only to that which I have for this one special person who I was allowed to have placed into my heart... Just know that...

Leah Marie Maschke Simpson )

As I said, it's a tough read. I mentioned the "candle" because Leah, is a practicing Catholic, like her mom. Writing this letter was very, very hard for me to do. Truly. I cried all the way through when I was writing this. But, I've always been the kind of dad, to my daughter, Leah, where I never talked AT her, I always talked with her. And I did this from the very first moment that I met her in 1985 when I first met her and she was just 7 years old.

Like I said, it's a tough read. And I'm sorry for that. I truly am. But this is the time of year when I have always felt that it's really important to tell the ones you really love just how much you love them. So not only am I telling my little girl how much I love her, I'm telling you too...

Love,

Mickey
[identity profile] myownincubus.livejournal.com
Romantic Compatibility

Provided byAstrology.com

Pisces & Taurus

When Taurus and Pisces come together in a love affair, it's generally a happy union. They are two positions apart within the Zodiac, and such Signs tend to have karmic ties and a deep empathy for one another. While Pisces is idealistic, dreamy and impressionistic, Taurus is more down-to-earth and practical. They're both nurturers, however, and both prize harmony and stability in a relationship.

These two Signs have much to offer one another. Taurus can provide the grounded approach Pisces needs to put all those dreams into action, and Pisces can offer the kindness, gentleness and sweet sympathy that Taurus so loves in a lover. At times, Taurus can't understand Pisces's seemingly simplistic life view; in reality, of course, Pisces isn't simple at all. Still waters truly run deep, in this case.

Taurus is ruled by Venus (Love) and Pisces is ruled by Jupiter (Luck) and Neptune (Illusions). When Venus and Neptune meet, a beautiful spiritual connection is made. Both of these celestial bodies vibrate with feminine energy. Together, they represent an idealistic relationship which borders on the divine. Jupiter adds its masculine energy to the combination; this Planet represents philosophy, expansion and excesses. These two Signs together can produce the kind of union both dream of; it may seem like heaven on Earth to both. The downside? This kind of heady, dreamy connection can be rooted in just that -- dreams, illusions, fantasy.

Taurus is an Earth Sign and Pisces is a Water Sign. These two Elements are generally quite compatible, as both Water and Earth are tangible, physical entities. Taurus can help Pisces stabilize their sensitivity, and Pisces can bring a touch of magic to Taurus's practical approach. They should take care, though -- too much of a good thing can turn Earth to mud. Taurus could tire of Pisces's emotional instability, and Pisces may in turn feel that Taurus is insensitive to their needs. The good thing is, it's generally easy for them to find a way to overcome their differences.

Taurus is a Fixed Sign and Pisces is a Mutable Sign. Where Taurus is steady, stubborn, practical and focused, Pisces likes the feeling of moving from one thought to the next according to fancy. Taurus's rigidity can hamper Pisces's flexibility; Taurus will need to learn to let Pisces flow. As a gift in return, Pisces will be a very supportive and loving partner. Pisces can show Taurus that mutability is sometimes better than a fixed determination to do things one way, and one way only.

What's the best aspect of the Taurus-Pisces relationship? Their different emotional natures complement and harmonize with one another very well. The overall empathy and commitment these two Signs value in a relationship is what will keep the ties strong and long-lasting between the Bull and Fish.

Choose two signs to check their compatibility

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