(no subject)

*wiggles* hmm..Nurse Stillbourne, I think I have lost my room! I haven't needed it in awhile. Ive been forgetting to write for awhile (OK, maybe a couple of years). I dont remember my screen name from the old days of live journal.
I joined a group on Facebook for depression but I didn't like it. Too much God will give you strength, I mean no offense to that but just doesn't always work. I'm not even sure why I'm writing anything. Stillbourne, you are amazing for keeping the asylum up and running. Thank you so much.
stillbourne: (alone)

A sad day

 http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/mha-statement-passage-american-health-care-act

At MHA, we thank all those who fought in the open - loudly and clearly - to implore members of Congress to oppose legislation that would do great harm to people with behavioral health conditions. In the weeks and months to come, we will continue to advocate on behalf of people with behavioral health concerns."

“We will work to protect funding for mental health for children and adults; for prevention and early intervention services, for integration, for peer-to-peer services, and for all services leading to recovery; for protection of the essential mental health benefits people need; for parity protections; and for choices in care, services, and supports for people with mental health concerns.”

xriverxjoix: a slightly smiling girl with butterflies flying around her (Default)

(no subject)

can i just come in and scream really quick? everything is overwhelming the crap out of me.

AUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHfrack.

thank you.
stillbourne: (alone)

Welcome Home




Welcome to Asylum 2.0 on Dreamwidth.


Please make yourself at home.

Use this place as a sounding board, a safe place to let out what you need to.

Should you need staff assistance, please feel free to message me, and I will be roaming these halls often to monitor and lend a helping hand.


Nurse Stillbourne.


Update

 So, it's been a few months. 

I just wanted to let everyone know that I'm a live and doing okay-ish.
Feel free to check my journal for more details if you're interested, but mostly I'm just thankful that the semester is over, my grades aren't complete trash, and I can now safely avoid classes with F without causing too much of a scene.

I'm going to start checking back in here and being as useful as I can.
I look forward to catching up with you.

-K

Nails

This is a flash fiction I wrote about some rather dark subject matter.
For some reason the scenario and character have been bouncing around in my mind for awhile and this is just how it came out.
It's under a cut because it could be triggering to some.

   Nails- a flash fiction )

?

Would it be okay if I posted a flash fiction here?

I need to become nocturnal

So  today I ended up at the evil nation at prime dinner shopping time, apparently. Two of my friends volunteered to come with me which just makes matters worse because they are both of the sort who will sit and deliberate every decision for five minutes a piece, only to leave half the stuff they thought they wanted at the register and then later bitch about how much time we end up spending there.

Right, because being in a place with far too many people who insist on cutting corners around me far too close and end up bumping, grazing, or other wise touching me isn't enough. Now I have to sniff a thousand brands of deodarant in search of something that smells more "summery".

Not to mention that one of the two girls annoys the piss out of me anyhow because her voice is shrill and she wants to walk right next to you.

I hate it.
I hate being touched. I hate being in a place with that many voices going at once.
I hate deliberating about stupid shit.
I hate that it bothers me at all.

From now on, I shop at two in the morning. Let's see who joins me then.

hmmmm

Maybe this is just me, but I feel like I was so much safer when I was younger and would live in the worlds my books wove for me instead of the one I was supposed to be in. Everything was so much more beautiful then, or at least it was for me. I never had to deal with anything other than page numbers and homework.
Sometimes I think I should try going back to that. Just live in the library reading or doing homework. Forget people and their problems. Forget my problems.
I wonder if it's even possible anymore...

I feel guilty about crossposting this now.

x-posted to [livejournal.com profile] adult_bipolar. I feel bad about it, but I don't know how well-read these forums are and I have to reach out to... someone? I can't post on my main LJ under my real name because then my friends would realise how crazy I was and wouldn't want to be my friends anymore, or worse still, they'd worry and that's the last thing I want...

Anyway. Hi all! Haven't been here for a long time. I got a lot better but right now I'm pretty screwed up.

At the moment I'm getting all wrecked up on Cipralex® and booze to keep the Bad Thoughts away. The trick is to take it on an empty stomach. It's a great drug - if it had a theme tune it would be The A-Team:

Cipralex®, Cipralex®!
Cipralex®, Si-ipraleeckssss!

The Bad Thoughts are as follows: I've come to the morbid conclusion that I'm probably going to die in a few years - well before the end of this decade, quite likely before 2015. I'll lose the flat and have to sleep rough. Then I'll freeze to death. And whenever I get this thought inside my head, I can't get rid of it.

Great.

This is the kind of shit I've got in my head. Sometimes it goes away for a while, but it always comes back. It is an isolating condition and I don't know what I'm going to do as I get older.

The worst thing is that they really are out to get you - I read in the papers about how they're gonna get all the mad people and encourage them to off themselves by taking all the money away from them and throw us on the street. Persecution complex huh? But it's true - Every reader of the tabloid newspapers in this country wants to shower in my blood. It's got so I can't look workmen in the eye. They've all been told I'm evil scum out to get them, and I imagine their hostile stares burrowing into me. "WE'VE all got proper jobs. WE'RE pulling our weight. Why aren't YOU?"

So I take the pills and uppers and tranx and fuck knows what, and wait for it to pass. Because I don't always feel that way, and that's what makes me feel most like a fraud. I can still go out some days, I can visit people, got to parties, have a social life. Perhaps the government is right and I need to be fucked over for my own good. Time will tell. I dont' always feel this bad about things, but when I feel good it's like I'm a completely different person, and I've got no clue how that guy feels about this. I mean, intellectually yeah, of course, but really? I suppose generalized optimism and hope. But I can't feel it, all I know is that They* are turning the State into a weapon against the poor, They want to kill me with it - and They usually get what They want.

* Footnote: My "Them" is the government, the media, the norms, everyone who "matters" in society. Your "them" may well vary.

Back

A couple weeks ago I got out of a RTC. I was there for 5 weeks.
I feel so different and changed! I haven't felt this good since I was 12. I'm honestly and truly happy.

Just thought I'd share that.

short, disjointed thoughts on my fiancee's death

I am surprised to find that my love can turn to hate - not hatred of the person, but hatred of the world.  Love is everything to me, my love is my whole entire soul. Think what that means in such a situation. I am turning into Darth Vader now, filled with darkness and pain and rage at life. I imagined a connection this deep would give me a sense of peace, and even a sense of contentment, that I experienced it, even though it was lost. That's how I always imagined it would be to lose my soulmate. And I did feel that a bit in the beginning. But emotions shift and morph. Of course, I never imagined it would go like this, or that we would never even get to live together, that our time together would be so short. It never occurred to me that life afterwards would literally feel like a punishment or a curse.

I realize now that for certain people, loving someone too much and losing them can turn into something hard and immobile that never lets go and hates everything around it.  I am bitter now - snappish, angry, even disdainful.  I don't think I'll ever be myself again, and I really liked that person, troubles and all.

We always said that together we formed a greater entity than the two of us alone, something neither of us had ever imagined. So I guess you could say I feel dramatically reduced now. We always dreamed of the life we could have, the things we could do....we were such a force, together.

When your love is your whole soul, that is dangerous.

I am crazy now, crazy with grief. It isn't pretty or graceful. And I don't want it to end. I want to hold it to me forever, like I held onto our connection...because it's all I have of him, and I can't lose that. I hate this iron part of my soul, that warrior part that hangs on to the things I want like a pitbull. I have too much strength. Strength of passion. Strength of determination. Strength of will. A hard strength that can destroy. I have always known this was who I am, this *love is everything*/*victory or death* hardness that the rest of my self radiates from. I just never knew it would turn this way. I didn't know it would be like this. I thought I would be graceful in loss, but I was so wrong.


(no subject)

hey =]
new in the community.
look forward to following

guess that's it!

Paranoia

It took me quite a long time to get over my obsessive thoughts about what people think of me and trying to change myself for others, and getting over my agoraphobia.  One thing I still struggle with is my paranoid problems. I always come up with scenarios and fuckin pessimistic conclusions and it didn't even happen yet. And this is just at the current state where I'm better than before. Before, when I was younger, Id come up with conversations inside my head, coming up with a whole bunch of stupid shit and telling myself its true, its going to happen and then believing it. Right now, I know none of the shit I'm making up is true, I know that. I just can't help it. For example, if someone I know stops talking to me for awhile, I'll be thinking to myself, why are they doing that? They must think I'm crazier than them. It's probably because I scare them away or they don't like me anymore. I keep thinking the same types of answers over and over again and come up with more negative shit. Ugh I need to learn not to give a flying fuck and just shrug everything off UNTIL it actually happens and then I just want to be able to shrug that off and get on with life. I hope I'll change eventually. I know being paranoid isn't going to help, its my life and I need to change for myself.  Does anyone here struggle with paranoia?

Dating and being bipolar,agoraphobic,clinically depressed and the list goes on...

I have been doing the dating  thing for a year now trying to just have some companionship that I so deeply crave in my life. The problem is how do you find someone to be with when you are stricken with mental illness eventually they are going to want to know why I don't drive what am I supposed to say I don;t drive or have a license because my mind tells me I may get in a car accident and kill someone else or myself so I have never had a license. Next thing they want to know is why I don't work. Well do I tell them that I do not work because I cannot get through my day being on 5 different meds without a two hour nap or that if I did have a job and was to get in trouble with my boss I would lose control and beat her or him up or have some kind of emotional breakdown. I wouldn't want to be with me. I don't know how much more rejection I can take I am slowly losing all hope in finding someone. I wish that I could find someone like Johnny Depp in Benny and Joon but thats just hollywood. I fear I am doomed to be a crazy lady with 15 cats and wind up like one of those lonely animal hoarder people. I can't stop obsessing abut finding a man to except me the good and the bad. Its like this obsessive mission that I am on that is causing me to hate myself and be terrified of my future. But yet I keep going on these dates and talking to these men who as soon as they find out that I don't drive aren't interested anymore. When they ask why I tell them its because of my seizure disorder which is part of it but most of it is fear. My hopes of finding intimacy with someone again are dwindling but I am a glutton for punishment setting myself up for rejection every time. Maybe I should just stop this search that I am on and wait for the right man to fall out of the sky but I may be staring up at the sky for a long time and alone for a long time I just don't know how to except it. I need to stop this obsession and focus on something else but I can't help it it's become out of my control. The only way a man is ever interested in me is for sex and sex only I had a meltdown yesterday because I had been talking to this great guy and decided to come clean about the not driving thing and he said he would make the 30 minute trip to see me to sleep with me but would never consider anything serious with me. Well thanks for letting me share this with you all I am hoping once school starts my obsession will quell it seems this has takent the place of my self injuring and other destructive behavior because this is turning out to be warfare on my emotions just the same but without the relief that comes with cutting the relief will come only when one of these men genuinely likes me and excepts me.

^A^

i'm not crazy. i just know what i want... which contradicts what other people around me want for me.

love letter for -

I know what to do, but I'm too lazy to go through with it. Running away from the effort I have to make. I thought I am a lost cause. I thought I'm already dead. But you say "keep living. If not for yourself, then for me." Then I know that it doesn't matter if I'm already dead or not. The only thing that's true in my life is my love for you. And in this love, I doesn't matter.

(no subject)

  My mind is bruised
My body tainted and dirty
My soul is crushed
And I'm, only a year past 30
Make the bruise go away
Cleanse and renew my body
Bring joy and happiness to my soul
and let me hang on at least until I'm 40