[identity profile] elputadediablo.livejournal.com
It feels like I am completely alone in my illness. I hate being the way I am and just wish I could live a life like other people. Just basic things like being able to drive, not being on 5 different psychotropic medications at 31 years old and not sitting in a basement hiding from the world 24 hours a day smoking cigs like a mad woman and trying to wish my self loathing away. Feeling very hopeless for my future. Everyday I wake up hoping to feel better and ending the day in defeat. Coffee and cigarettes the only thing thats keeping me from taking to my bed and saying fuck it all I refuse to live in this world anymore I choose to be sleeping beauty who never gets woken up by the prince.

i think...

Jan. 19th, 2011 05:50 pm
[identity profile] harehare.livejournal.com
i was smarter when i was a kid than i am now0-0
[identity profile] krazyside.livejournal.com
So that's why I often can't eat and I'm prone to anxiety, while sometimes seeking dangerous situations; my amygdala is all fucked up due to early stress and it's probably swimming in cortisol and has been for a long time.


(warning: video contains triggering / upsetting images and material)

Adrenaline beats the shit out of cortisol, which explains the relaxed attitude to danger, even while I suffer from anxiety about every little thing. Also, related emotion-regulating brain structures such as the hypothalamus, which involve memory, can also be damaged by cortisol exposure / early stress, which explains my long-standing inability to deal with relationships ending; I keep remembering how it used to be, not how it is, and fear change and that.

Everyone with any kind of mental illness or anxiety disorder should learn about how the brain works.
[identity profile] poison-parlour.livejournal.com
Has anyone else had their family use their mental illness as an excuse for their own bad behavior? About 9 years ago now (wow... that's a long time...) my mother and her now husband were starting up a business and under a lot of stress. To cope with the stress my mother started binge drinking but when I reacted in a negative manner I was accused of being unreasonable and my disapproval was blamed on my mental illness.

Now, I admit, I was very, very sick back then but my mother was drinking so much that she was coming home, throwing up in the drive way and then falling into a drunken stupor in bed. It was so bad that she didn't remember a thing from the night before. But my disapproval and unhappiness about her behavior was blamed on the fact that I was sick.

There were times when things were because of my illness but my disapproval most certainly was not. I had attachment issues and if I didn't know where my mother was late at night I was terrified - what if something had happened? What if she was in an accident? I lost my father when I was a month shy of 7 and have, since then, been absolutely petrified of losing my mother. I still am, despite living on the other end of the continent and being a lot healthier these days.

But blaming everything on a mental illness is just a cop out. It was their way of excusing their bad behavior.

I count myself lucky that I did not, in those formative teen years, follow their example and start drinking my problems away. Even today I don't much see the point of alcohol and only drink if someone else is paying (I'm a cheapskate) and I have never drank so much that I cannot recall what I did.
[identity profile] bloodred1889.livejournal.com
  am what....

who am I?
Am i even real? or just an imagination,
maybe its all a dream.. or maybe i died along time ago and my memories are mine but this body isnt, it was created.
or maybe i was never real to begin with,
maybe ive just been a ghost inside a shell.
sometimes this world can really be to much
i cant take much more
im crashing in and out of touch
maybe ive just had enough.


does anyone else ever get paranoi about there origins?
i mean who is to say we arnt in some kind of matrix situation, maybe we are all cyborgs with false memories.
maybe like the trumen show, we are in the future by alot but there has been war
an so we are kept in tubes and given the false impression
that we are in the 12st century...
or am i just thinking this?

people may have noticed im in a cyborg, ghost in te shell mood, but really i watch these things and think.. is it possible?
maybe i really am some kind of cyborg or experiment.
dunno just thinking.

anyone else think this way?
[identity profile] krazyside.livejournal.com
Definitely been friend dumped. This is horrible. The worst thing is, I feel like everything I've done to try and get her attention has made it worse. Just nothing for weeks and weeks and weeks. What have I done to deserve this? And why does it hurt so much? I keep thinking about the good times we had together - all fake. The cool stuff we enjoyed - bullshit. I'm just a piece of dirt to her.

I'm so bewildered and angry and upset and there's nothing I can do now. Deliberately losing her phone number probably didn't help, but I had to do something. The banal, chatty horseshit that she replaced her personality with, the implication of "I'm alright so FUCK YOU" that lingered around the timing of it. And I helped her do this to me. I am a fucking fool, this is folie a deux, it is a good thing that it is over, I never want to see her again... so why, why oh why does it hurt so bloody much?

The world is a cold and lonely place now. I can never trust anyone, because if you can't trust your friends to be there for you, who can you trust?
[identity profile] krazyside.livejournal.com
I've basically decided that I'm probably no longer going to be friends with someone I know because they have, for no apparent reason, quit having anything to do with me. I just don't seem important to this individual. I've been taking it one day at a time and I'm coming to the conclusion that I've just been pwnd by a pathological narcissist.

It's always the cool kids who are the biggest wankers in my experience. The people I looked up to have always let me down in the end - their charm was the one red flag I could not resist. Everyone else is so boring, so I end up in a situation where the only people I can rely on are the most boring, annoying people that I don't actually want around me, while the ones I like... either dramatically reject me or mysteriously dissapear after a few months to a year, probably because they've found someone else to adore them who asks for even less in return than I do.

What gets to me though, is that I wasn't adoring her any less - it's just like they got bored of me and tossed me away like a wad of gum that had lost its flavour. It was so casual, the texts just dried up, the excuses and the horseshit replaced the earnest friendliness. And that's when I realised - I'm nothing to this person, and never was. Just another piece of food to be hoovered up and stuffed down their gullet. Human smack for a personality addict, some kind of monster out of William Burroughs. And now they've gone away because that's what these people do when they've finished using you, they toss the dried up husk away and move on to pastures new. God I hate her, but not as much as I hate myself. You see, this keeps happening. She has to be something like the ninth or tenth one of these things I've encountered and been fooled by, easily. I only seem able to have close relationships with these bastards... and I HATE myself for it.

I'm resigned to being alone in the world now, and this is frightening. I want to go and live underground, like the homeless people in America. Just burrow into the earth like a hibernating mammal and stay there forever.
[identity profile] poison-parlour.livejournal.com
So... I cut my finger using my vegetable cutter thingie about 45 minutes ago and... well... I have Munchausens Syndrome. I want to do BAD things to my finger...

Just thought I'd get that out there so it doesn't just roll around in my brain all night. I'm going to bandage my finger up now.
[identity profile] krazyside.livejournal.com
I'm wondering, is anyone else suffering severe anxiety or other problems specifically because of the state of the economy? Be it spending cuts, job losses or anything else?

[Poll #1633515]
[identity profile] krazyside.livejournal.com
This is my problem: I won't ever say how I feel until I'm absolutely at the end of my tether, and maybe not even then. After all, no point in yelling at someone who isn't listening anyway, right?

So I'll say something really quiet like "I feel neglected and upset" when what I mean is "AAAAAARGGHHH!! I HATE YOU!! WHY WON'T YOU CALL ME?!?!" which is a bit mental I suppose, but not as mental as actually yelling at someone, and with the added bonus that I don't haemorrhage friends. Not that someone like me gets to have that many friends, at least not anyone close. I think I do at first, but it always turns out that they never gave a shit about me in the end. I like to think I've learned my lesson; once bitten, twice shy... but in reality I am a crap judge of character and desperate for attention and affection, which is not a good combination in a chronically lonely, almost bipolar individual like me.

So how do you survive when nobody cares if you live or die?

How do you survive when your life lacks all meaning and purpose?

What do you do when you don't know how to express or deal with emotions, not because you are a cold fish or anything but because your emotions are so huge and overwhelming that they frighten you and you have to put up walls around them to protect yourself and others from them?
[identity profile] krazyside.livejournal.com
I've told the shrink I want to "work towards an ending" as she puts it.

She says she has indeed been trying to "challenge" me and take me out of my "comfort zone", and also confirmed that she thinks I've been having a go at her when in fact I've been describing my personal frustrations.

She's way over the line on that second point. She just strikes me as incompetent and a bad listener.

In other news, I'm shitting myself over the benefit cuts. Guess I'll survive - I've lived through some pretty bad times before. What scares me is that the experts are saying the slump might go on for ten years; anyone with any knowlege of economics will tell you that cutting spending in a recession is a great way to keep it going on indefinitely, and cutting dole payments is a fast route to social chaos. I'm every bit as likely to get beaten to death for a fiver as I am to end up homeless or some shit.
[identity profile] harehare.livejournal.com
I just watched benjamin button and at the ending when the narator said "some people are meant to be swimmer/artist/mother", i suddenly cried.Idk why. These days i'ue been feeling nothing, and all i said and wrote are bad thing. I became evil. But after i cried until i couldnt breath,the feelings return to my heart. I can appreciate beauty again. I can laugh again. I think at this state i can pray, love, and paint again. Someone wrote that everyone in this universe will face something in their life. I dont know what i will face,but.. Somehow i'm eager to live.

Posted via m.livejournal.com.


Oct. 6th, 2010 08:25 pm
[identity profile] krazyside.livejournal.com
Saw the doctor today. They were crap. Offered me some shitty CBT and some shitty antidepressants. Asked about mood stabilizers and she said that they only curbed the highs, not the lows. She also said the happy pills might not be such a good idea if I have highs. So it's no to the drugs and "yeah, go on" to the CBT. Oh, and a load of trendy bollox about how I should do voluntary work. Why the fuck would I want to work my ass off for no pay? I want money, honey. Reward is a crucial part of work, without which there is no fucking point. I've been there; you just end up feeling exploited and resenting it.

Still, at least I got it across that I was ill and they could see some symptoms first hand. This is going to sound manipulative, but unless I'm really depressed, my mood usually becomes blank and placid as soon as I see a doctor, but today I was pretty kraaazy; talking fast, ranting about my therapist and on the edge of tears. I see them again in exactly 2 weeks.


Later on I got wound up by two scumbags asking me "what I was doing over there" when I had been messing around clambering on a ruined church and generally exploring. I told them I was doing whatever I wanted, and they called me over and continued talking at me in incomprehensible dialect. I explained irritably that I was "Chilling out!" and they went on and on talking nonsense, trying to draw me into some kind of crackhead conversation I suppose. Fucking junkie scum.

I'm still livid about it now; haven't been fucked with by that particular breed of lowlife since the mid-noughties; in fact I haven't been bullied generally for a couple of years now.

This fucking recession's bringing all the bastards in the world out of the woodwork.
[identity profile] krazyside.livejournal.com
It's late - so late it's almost early - and I'm listening to Emilie Autumn and writing because my brain won't shut up and let me sleep.

Spent today bravely holding off depression in anticipation of my first Labour Party meeting. Made it there and it was crap. You know all the boring meetings you've ever had to sit through, like, in your life? Well, double the pointlessness and triple the boredom and you're almost there. Jesus. They were all wierdoes, too. There was a Naive Middle Class Kid, a Stereotypical Working Class Man, a Sneering Man, and a man who looked like a stage magician or a circus ringmaster or something - it was the beard that did it, that and the suit. Oh, and some totally anonymous Party hacks as well, of course. To quote Douglas Coupland, they didn't have any aura.

Jesus wept. That's what's left of Democratic Socialism in this town, is it? I guess we're about fucked then.

After the meeting everyone got together in their little cliques - there was no attempt to welcome me as a newbie or anything, so I just fucked off, got some booze in, went home and watched Vanishing Point. Then to bed and worry about how to leave therapy.

It really isn't working with the therapist. The more I think about the crap she's been coming out with the more angry I get. I have to escape or I'll find myself trapped in a really crappy situation - getting shitty advice from a shitty cheap therapist who begrudges everything she supposedly does for me because it's pro-bono. I guess I have to just leave the situation. Not easy.

Doctor's tomorrow.


Oct. 5th, 2010 09:08 pm
[identity profile] harehare.livejournal.com
where's violent video games when you need them!? i just want to bash and crash something... i want to throw something but can't in real life. arfgh.
[identity profile] krazyside.livejournal.com
Feel much, MUCH better today. I think that violent depressive episode is all but over. Well, for now, anyway. Have had insights into my shrink (should probably think about moving on, I still don't like her attitude) and ex-lover (forget it, she's a bitch, the time to act was when we were going out anyway).

With any luck it'll be quite some time before I feel that badly screwed again.
[identity profile] krazyside.livejournal.com
I've been in talk therapy with a private councellor for five years now. It hasn't worked. Maybe I have more insights and maybe it does help to have someonet to talk to, but at the end of the day I still get depressed, sometimes for weeks and weeks at a time, I still get hyper, I still get obsessive. On top of all that, hostility is beginning to creep into the therapeutic relationship. My cynicism is probably getting her down; while for my part I see almost everything she comes out with as an attempt to get me to blame myself for my problems.

It has been a long time and I have come to depend on this relationship. It is often the only contact I have all week.

What do I do? End the therapy? Last session I almost walked out. This completely passes her by of course. Nobody fucking gets just how horrible it can be to be me.
[identity profile] krazyside.livejournal.com
I don't matter to anyone. What do I do? Too chickenshit to die, all I really want is to be rescued. But the whole point of this situation is that there is nobody to rescue me. I can't connect with other people, and feel like I am an instantly forgettable cypher.

When I go over the list of people who know me but don't really notice or care, maybe at best they could use me or find me amusing, but certainly wouldn't miss me, I have this strange feeling, this twinge like I am about to be sick. What does it all mean? When I tell myself this truth, this revelation that I dont' matter and that I mean nothing to anyone, that even what's left of my family would only notice my abscense as the loss of an embarrassing Christmas chore, my stomach does backflips and my eyes begin to water. It is quite disconcerting, I can tell you.

Why can't I just be a normal person and not care that I don't matter to anyone? Why am I so vain?


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