[identity profile] krazyside.livejournal.com posting in [community profile] asylum_online
x-posted to [livejournal.com profile] adult_bipolar. I feel bad about it, but I don't know how well-read these forums are and I have to reach out to... someone? I can't post on my main LJ under my real name because then my friends would realise how crazy I was and wouldn't want to be my friends anymore, or worse still, they'd worry and that's the last thing I want...

Anyway. Hi all! Haven't been here for a long time. I got a lot better but right now I'm pretty screwed up.

At the moment I'm getting all wrecked up on Cipralex® and booze to keep the Bad Thoughts away. The trick is to take it on an empty stomach. It's a great drug - if it had a theme tune it would be The A-Team:

Cipralex®, Cipralex®!
Cipralex®, Si-ipraleeckssss!

The Bad Thoughts are as follows: I've come to the morbid conclusion that I'm probably going to die in a few years - well before the end of this decade, quite likely before 2015. I'll lose the flat and have to sleep rough. Then I'll freeze to death. And whenever I get this thought inside my head, I can't get rid of it.

Great.

This is the kind of shit I've got in my head. Sometimes it goes away for a while, but it always comes back. It is an isolating condition and I don't know what I'm going to do as I get older.

The worst thing is that they really are out to get you - I read in the papers about how they're gonna get all the mad people and encourage them to off themselves by taking all the money away from them and throw us on the street. Persecution complex huh? But it's true - Every reader of the tabloid newspapers in this country wants to shower in my blood. It's got so I can't look workmen in the eye. They've all been told I'm evil scum out to get them, and I imagine their hostile stares burrowing into me. "WE'VE all got proper jobs. WE'RE pulling our weight. Why aren't YOU?"

So I take the pills and uppers and tranx and fuck knows what, and wait for it to pass. Because I don't always feel that way, and that's what makes me feel most like a fraud. I can still go out some days, I can visit people, got to parties, have a social life. Perhaps the government is right and I need to be fucked over for my own good. Time will tell. I dont' always feel this bad about things, but when I feel good it's like I'm a completely different person, and I've got no clue how that guy feels about this. I mean, intellectually yeah, of course, but really? I suppose generalized optimism and hope. But I can't feel it, all I know is that They* are turning the State into a weapon against the poor, They want to kill me with it - and They usually get what They want.

* Footnote: My "Them" is the government, the media, the norms, everyone who "matters" in society. Your "them" may well vary.

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