Mar. 20th, 2011

[identity profile] elputadediablo.livejournal.com
I have been doing the dating  thing for a year now trying to just have some companionship that I so deeply crave in my life. The problem is how do you find someone to be with when you are stricken with mental illness eventually they are going to want to know why I don't drive what am I supposed to say I don;t drive or have a license because my mind tells me I may get in a car accident and kill someone else or myself so I have never had a license. Next thing they want to know is why I don't work. Well do I tell them that I do not work because I cannot get through my day being on 5 different meds without a two hour nap or that if I did have a job and was to get in trouble with my boss I would lose control and beat her or him up or have some kind of emotional breakdown. I wouldn't want to be with me. I don't know how much more rejection I can take I am slowly losing all hope in finding someone. I wish that I could find someone like Johnny Depp in Benny and Joon but thats just hollywood. I fear I am doomed to be a crazy lady with 15 cats and wind up like one of those lonely animal hoarder people. I can't stop obsessing abut finding a man to except me the good and the bad. Its like this obsessive mission that I am on that is causing me to hate myself and be terrified of my future. But yet I keep going on these dates and talking to these men who as soon as they find out that I don't drive aren't interested anymore. When they ask why I tell them its because of my seizure disorder which is part of it but most of it is fear. My hopes of finding intimacy with someone again are dwindling but I am a glutton for punishment setting myself up for rejection every time. Maybe I should just stop this search that I am on and wait for the right man to fall out of the sky but I may be staring up at the sky for a long time and alone for a long time I just don't know how to except it. I need to stop this obsession and focus on something else but I can't help it it's become out of my control. The only way a man is ever interested in me is for sex and sex only I had a meltdown yesterday because I had been talking to this great guy and decided to come clean about the not driving thing and he said he would make the 30 minute trip to see me to sleep with me but would never consider anything serious with me. Well thanks for letting me share this with you all I am hoping once school starts my obsession will quell it seems this has takent the place of my self injuring and other destructive behavior because this is turning out to be warfare on my emotions just the same but without the relief that comes with cutting the relief will come only when one of these men genuinely likes me and excepts me.

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